Friday, 31 December 2010

Mummy’s Guilty Pleasures.

I was asked by my lovely friend and fellow twitter mummy to list my top five “Guilty Pleasures”.  Well let’s face it as a mum's we always put everyone else first and our own little pleasures can wait.

So my top Five Guilty Pleasures would have to be:

One:   Social Networking, I love spending time on Twitter and Facebook chatting away to like-minded Friends, Mummy’s and Bloggers.  I tend to be on in the day in between looking after little Monster, Working and Blogging.  I just love the fact that I have yet to meet these lovely people but it feels like we have been friends forever.

Two:   Chocolate, I have a secret little box hidden I the back of the camping cupboard and in it I store my favourite bar of chocolate.  Not that I’m being mean but sometimes we just have to have something for ourselves.  Even Daddy Mission doesn’t know where it’s kept, it’s all mine.

Three:   Blogging, this has to be one of my favourite guilty pleasures.  With four kids running around I don’t get much time to do it every day, but when I do get the chance I wander off into my own little world and forget the world is still going on around me.

Four:    My Books, at the moment I am writing two books.  One is going to be called a Job for Mummy:  it’s about the struggles we all face as mum’s to find the perfect career that will fit in around our family life.  The other is called “The Dream” this is one of my favourites and its a book of honestly, hopefully if it makes it to the publishers it will make you laugh, cry and want to move to the country.  I do try to spend some time each day on at least one of them, normally at about 6am in the morning when Daddy Mission has left for work and the kids are still asleep.

Five:   Mummy Time, This is when I try to spend just 10 minutes in silence doing what I want to do.  That sounds so selfish but with children you forget what me time actually is.  Before the kids I would think of nothing going in the bath for three hours or painting my nails.  So I vowed to make just a little bit of time for me to relax and enjoy.

So now is the time to pass the baton on, lets see what my other mummy blogger friends define as their Mummy Guilty Pleasures

@Mammy Woo - Lexy

@lincolnandme - Mary

@Themummylife - Laura

@JennyKatexx - Jenny

@Allimarshall - Alli


@Coffeetoatea - Kath

 Right ladies over to you, loves you lots

Mummy Mission

Tuesday, 21 December 2010



Why is it children always seem to ask the most embarrassing questions in the most public of places?  Or is that just my lot? Hands up, come on. *starts counting* I knew I wasn’t alone.

Take the gorgeous little Princess Mission, she may be only four but she wins the medal for the most embarrassing questions in the most public place.

 Today we were standing in the busiest aisle in Asda, when she asks at the top of her voice, “Mummy how will my boobies grow big like yours?” the whole store stopped (well it felt like that) I could hear all the dad’s tittering (bad choice of word) in the background all waiting for me to fill her in on how her little body could grow.

I explained that they would grow as she grew; she needed to be a lot older.  We carried on shopping, thinking I had heard the last of the conversation. Sadly not, she then decided to ask at the top of her little voice.  “So mum do I need to water my boobies to make them grow like yours?” I could have died.  In fact I was praying for the ground to open up and swallow me (it didn’t happen) and I now seem to have attracted a crowd of daddy’s too!

 Well kind of, I suppose.  I explained that she was still too young to worry about any of that, she seemed happy with my motherly answer or so I thought!

I could see her little mind working overtime, her and Monster were planning my down fall I could feel it.  They waited until we were at the packed check out when she asked her final question.

Princess: “Mummy, when do I get to change?” 

Mummy: “What do you mean sweetie?”

Princess: “When do I get to change into a different person?”

Mummy: “Well you don’t really sweetie, you are my little Princess.”

Princess: “Well I don’t want to be a princess anymore”

Mummy: “OK.  Well what and who would you like to be then?”

Thinking she was going to say some cartoon Character

Princess: “I want to be a boy like Monster, so I can play with my willy it look like so much fun!”

The checkout girl was crying with laughter, the two tills either side had come to a standstill and I didn’t actually know what to say (for once in my life).  So once all the laughter had stopped I continued with the packing, when the checkout girl decided she would ask Monster “What’s your name?”

Now normally you get the whole Finlay Doherty and I am 2, but no not today of course not that would be too easy.  So he replied “Finlay Boobie” well that was it the girl was crying with laughter once more and it took me another 10 minutes to get all my shopping packed!

So there you have it, my most embarrassing trip to the supermarket.  Some may say it was an education in itself.

Lots of love

Mummy Mission

Monday, 13 December 2010

Just 5 Minutes!

Have you ever noticed when you become a mum that you suddenly have no time for yourself?  Not even 5 minutes.  I was talking to some mummy friends today and it’s not just my children that are demanding, other mums are going through the same thing.

I can’t even remember the last time I actually got to go to the loo in peace, without the usual audience and barrage of questions.  It doesn’t stop at the loo; it seems that kids instinctively know when you are trying to have some mummy time. They will seek you out and put an end to any remote idea, they will get you:

When you’re in the bath, you will hear those four little words “I need the toilet”. 

On the phone, they will either start a fight or need your undivided attention right at that moment.

 Talking to a neighbour, this is Monsters favourite.  He picks his moment and then utters the words “Mummy I need a big poo”

Even when doing the dishes or the laundry there is just no escape!

Sitting down for 5 minutes is also a green light for the kids to start, wanting or needing something.  Imagine that you have just made a cup of tea; you slide two biscuits out of the pack (well it would be rude not to) then sneak into the living room for just 5 minutes.  You will most definitely hear those special words “MUM CAN I HAVE” “MUM I NEED” “MUM CAN YOU GET ME” “MUM”

So my plan to combat this, my plan for just 5 minutes mummy time, is to set my alarm clock to 6.30 am in the morning.  Sneak down the stairs and sit in the dark, for just 5 MINUTES!

Lots of love

Mummy Mission

Saturday, 11 December 2010

We have Moved!

Hello, are you all here. (starts counting heads)

Ok  so who's missing, hurry up missy you're late again, Yes you there at the back.

Well we did it, the Missions have finally move to WordPress.  Wow it's bigger over here isn't it, well the place could do with a bit of a clean and tidy.  Maybe we need to hang some pictures on the walls to make it feel just like home.

Right so while I get on with the unpacking, you put the kettle on tea with one sugar please.  Hopefully normal service will be resumed as quickly as possible.

love you lots

Mummy Mission

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Daddy and the Christmas Tree!

For those of you who know my hubby, he is kind, caring and as bloody stubborn as a mule. So you can imagine my shock last night when Daddy decided it was time for the tree to come out of the loft. I had only been asking for it for the past week, but I suppose he is like most men when it’s their idea that’s when things can finally happen.

The last time Daddy put up the tree was an amazing 13 years ago, I was heavily pregnant with Teenage Mission. I remember the day well; it was my last day at work before I started my maternity leave. I was an emotional wreck as it was with being hormonal and 8 months pregnant, but all the well wishes and cards just seemed to send me over the edge (mainly because no –one had thought of buying me any chocolate). Anyway Daddy came to pick me up from work as usual (well I couldn’t drive my bump wouldn’t fit behind the steering wheel of my metro), and we headed for home.

I had asked daddy for weeks to get a tree; it just didn’t feel like Christmas without one. He was such a bar humbug, he completely refused. I would have gone myself but I couldn’t drive, so on our way home he told me he had brought something for the baby. I was shocked, something else he had never done. I was excited to see what it was.

We arrived home and I waddled up the path, once in the house I noticed this thing of, well it was a tree and it had lights and baubles on it. Not what I had imagined, but there you go but underneath the tree was the icing on the cake. It was a card with MY name on it, I opened the card.

It read:

To Lena




So you see, that just about sums my lovely hubby up, he can have the greatest intentions in the world, SOMETIMES.

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Dear Santa

It’s that time of the year again; you know the one, when the big man comes to visit. The house is filled with excitement and that’s just me!  We have lots of fun in our house over the holiday period, parties to attend, places to go, grandparents to visit, so we have very little time to actually sit down and really think about what we all want from the big man. So this year we sent out our letters via email (well Santa has to move with the times), each Mission sat down and typed out their very own email, monster went first:

Dear Santa

Please can I have a Thomas Scooter and lots of chocolate for Christmas that’s all? Oh and maybe a few other things I have put my mark on in the Argos catalogue. Love Monster x

Princess was next:

Dear Santa

I would like a Baby doll with a bottle, some nappies and a double buggy. Please make sure the dolly wee’s but not poo’s because that would be disgusting. Thanks love Princess

Drama was next, but I wasn’t sure if Santa would have time to read the four page memo she sent to him so I have condensed it to three lines:

Dear Santa

I would love a Ipod touch for Christmas, along with a private gig and shopping trip with the Saturdays and a date with Aston (The cute one apparently) from JLS. Thanks love Drama XXX

Here is where it gets a bit tricky in our little house because (dare I say it) *wispers* Teenage Mission doesn’t believe. So he sent me a little email to pass on to Santa:

Mum this year for Christmas I want:

A laptop

Black opps (Xbox game)



It should all cost around a £1000 so don’t worry about getting me any stocking fillers, but I will need a large selection box. Ta x

So I decided I would write Santa a little letter of my very own, (well if everyone else is getting presents, I wouldn’t mind a few bits) so here goes:

Dear Santa

I have been a very good mummy this year, I have been nice to everyone (well nearly) and I have helped people out who were in need, only last week I ate the last of the chocolate fingers, when my friend was on a diet. I always put others first, only the other day I let daddy get into bed first, well it was a bit cold. I am never selfish, I generally only like Salmon oh and maybe a bit of cod from the chippy. So this year can I please have a nice present, something just for me?

I don’t mean like those Lavender bath salts you got me the other year, I smelt like my Nan for about 6 months and please DONT bring me a Chocolate subuteo game once you have eaten the balls it’s just no fun, oh and the Disney CD you got me, yeah well I did tell you I was 34 not 3-4!

This year I wanted to give you a few hints, these things will not cost you anything but they will make my life a little better. So can I have?

10 minutes peace every day – even if it’s just when I’m on the loo or in the shower.

My children and husband to remember that the washing basket doesn’t just belong to me; they can touch it and move it down the stairs.

I would like you to remind my family to remember that when they leave the table, they must remember to take their cups and plates with them, because the plate fairy is on strike.

Could you please add an extra 12 hours to my day, as I am struggling to juggle 4 children (5 if the hubby is included) working from home, blogging and all of my other little projects, as well as the house work and just generally being a good mummy.

Oh and one last thing could you dig a big hole for me to push stupid celebrities into, I have a list of those already and I don’t want a long queue forming we will call it “I think I’m a celebrity so get me in there”. Katie “I talk utter poo” Price and Gillian “I am a faker” McKeith will be the first to sample the delights of the big black hole.

Right I think that’s all I wanted, so if you could deliver any of my requests I would be most grateful.  Right so I will see you xmas eve, I will be the one sitting on the sofa with my glass of red wine, Pj’s and my wooley socks on.

Catch you later big guy.

Mummy Mission

So there you have it our Mission Family Christmas letters, although you may have noticed that Daddy’s is missing. Sadly Daddy won’t be receiving anything from Santa this year as he has been on the naughty step once too often. If his behaviour changes then I suppose his letter will be the same as it has been for the last 13 years, all Daddy Mission wants for Christmas is ... Jennifer Anniston!

Saturday, 4 December 2010

Mummy's first Guest Posting

Hi Lovelies

Sorry the Missions have been very quiet lately, but Christmas is coming and the Mission house has turned into a disaster zone.  Wrapping paper and sellotape have become my new BFF's.

So in this madness i have had very little time to fill you all in on the ups and the downs of our family life, but all that changed when i received a lovely email from @Beckicklesie on twitter.  She was looking for all her blogger followers and friends to do some guest postings on her blog.

It was then that Mummy Mission stepped up to the mark, I have never done a Guest Post before.  So I opened the laptop and started writing about something that had happened just that very day.

You can read all about Santa's newest little helper over at Beckicklesie and i really hope you enjoy.

Friday, 5 November 2010


Wow have you ever had one of THOSE days where you actually thought you would never stop crying? Well that was my day yesterday; Daddy Mission had to go to hospital to have an operation on his eye. He was having a new tear duct put into his right eye, it sounds painful but it was supposed to be a case of a 45 minute operation then home for well deserved R&R.

But things in the Mission household NEVER run that smoothly, so why was I shocked when yesterday was filled with chaos and tears. It all started at 3am in the morning when my bloody body clock decided to set it’s alarm off, so that was me awake and working (no rest for the wicked) then just as I started to fall asleep at 6am cue little footsteps. Princess was awake and wanting some breakfast, I should have known there and then this day was going to be a nightmare.

So already exhausted, I woke the rest of the tribe for 7am. With the normal breakfast time chaos came the shouting and screaming from the usual suspects Teenage and Drama, it’s always those two. Come 8.30 I gleefully waved all the little ones off to school and took Monster off to his Great nanas for the day, she was taking care of him for me whilst I held daddy’s hand for the day. Once we arrived at the hospital the parking was awful as always so daddy took the decision to park in one of the side streets (15 minutes away from the hospital) but it was his day, who was I to dare judge this decision?

Once we had walked from the car to the hospital daddy was called into the room more or less straight away that is when this day got more tears than it bargained for! Once In the room the nurse explained that this is where my part in the proceedings ended as relatives aren’t allowed to stay with patients anymore. I took a deep breath they wanted me to leave him, the lump in the throat was appearing and a tear dripped down my face. Daddy said he would be fine, the nurse assured me that they would keep me updated and I could come up once the operation was over to sit with Daddy in the day ward.

Tears dripping down my cheeks, I kissed daddy goodbye and walked out of the hospital. As I walked I suddenly remembered I didn’t take any notice of where we had parked the car, I couldn’t go back so still upset from having to leave daddy I walked in the direction I thought the car might be. I was still crying like a baby and to make things worse I hadn’t take a jacket, you guessed it the rain poured, I looked a right mess walking the streets sobbing and soaking I called my best friend Lou talked me through everything and I even found the car whilst sobbing down the phone to her. (God she’s good).

Once in the car I composed myself and started the engine, and what song should happen to be playing on the radio, Leona Lewis’s version of Snow Patrols “RUN”. I love this song so bursting into tears once more I tried to sing along to the radio, it was no good I sound like a strangled cat at the best of times, but crying at the same time wasn’t a good sound. I decided I needed people around me so I went and did a bit of shopping to get some of Daddy’s favourites in for tea, then I went to Nan’s to see how monster was getting on. He hadn’t missed me one little bit, in fact his first words were “what are you doing here?” Well gee thanks son I love you too, it was nice to feel so wanted and loved by my youngest.

I decided It had been 2 hours since I left daddy so I called the hospital after all he was second on the list so he must be getting prepped by now, the lady on the telephone told me they couldn’t find him and was I sure I had the right hospital. Oh my god had lost my husband, surely not. I told them I would call back later, by this time it was 3pm so I collected Princess from school and went back to Nan’s for a cuppa and to make a quick call to the hospital, this time they told me he was in theatre and to call back in an hour. I was happier that they had found him but my mind was still everywhere, I called the hospital at 4pm and they told me he wasn’t on the ward yet, so I hedged my bets and left to go to the hospital surely by the time I got there he would be out of theatre and in need of a friendly face.

Nope I got there 20 minutes later and I was told he was not on the ward yet, where could he be? I went and made some calls to the mother in law and went back onto the ward where I was told he was there. Phew I really needed to see my brave daddy, but the ward sister had other ideas. I asked if I could see him, NO I was told by a rather unhappy Ward Sister “No family members are allowed onto this ward”! You will have to go and wait somewhere else until we are ready to send your husband home. When I asked how long did she think that would be, she replied “well that would be like me asking you how long a piece of string is?” How rude I stormed off to the car, dripping in tears once more.

It was 5pm pitch black and freezing cold, I had no other option but to wait in the car as I had left my bag at Nan’s in the rush to get back to the hospital. With no money, the cheapest place was the car at least I could cry in peace in there, then it got to 6.30 and my phone decided to stop making any more outgoing calls, this just summed up my day bad to worse. My friend Lou came to the rescue once more by calling the hospital and pretending to be his sister, he does have a sister so technically that wasn’t a lie. The nurse told her he was ready to be discharged, she called me back and I could hear the relief in her voice, she knew there would be no more drama now Daddy was coming home.

I raced back into the hospital, where I was greeted on the ward by a normal looking Daddy. I was most surprised the least I expected was a patch over the eye, but no he looked a little sleepy and his eye looked a little redder than usual. I asked him was he ok and was he in any pain, he looked at me and muttered the words “ I didn’t have it done!” Oh my word I had left him in the hospital for over 7 and ½ hours and what had they done. Well its clear to say apart from put him under general anathestic , they had done NOTHING.

It was later explained that the surgeon couldn’t get the laser to go past his Septum, so they decided to abort the surgery and refer daddy over to ENT where they can now take over his care and Daddy well he is still groggy after the effects of the surgery and shocked that I parked in the car park where you had to pay. He will get over the grogginess, but having to pay two pound for parking will scar him forever.

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Green cross cat?

Have you ever had one of those moments where something has run out in front of your car and you try your hardest to NOT hit it? Yes well we have all been there and done that and yesterday was no exception. We were in the car off to visit nanny when a cat ran out straight in front of my car, Princess and Drama screamed and I slammed on my breaks.

“Bloody cat” I love animals but I hate it when they do that, Princess made me pull over to make sure I hadn’t hit it. So I pulled over so she could inspect for herself, she checked under the car and she checked around the back of the car. The cat was gone; she started to get upset just in case he was hurt, and then from around the corner came the little black and white cat.

Princess was pleased; she insisted we put the cat in the car so we could take it to the police after all it was naughty to run across the road like that. After I explained that mummy was allergic to cats so we couldn’t take it anywhere, Princess declared “It’s ok mummy you can open the window so you can’t smell him”. If only life was that easy, then I told her if we took the cat away he would probably miss whoever was looking after him, she wasn’t impressed and she said “well they aren’t looking after him properly if he is allowed to run across main roads like that.

She had a point, but I explained cats are like that, the roam around all day and then go home for tea. After I had finally convinced her to leave the cat where it was, she got back into the car and we carried on up the road to nanny’s house.

The conversation about the cat wasn’t over; Princess had a few more ideas about what we could do to stop animals from running out in front of cars.

Princess: “We should have little crossings for them”

Mummy: “What do you mean?”

Princess: “You know where they have to press the button and then when the green cat or dog comes on, then they can cross safely”

She is full of these wonderful ideas, and then she declared that all cats and dogs should always hold their mummy’s and daddy’s hands when they cross the road because it’s a very dangerous place. Well at least I know she has been listening to me all along, when we cross the roads, but her last idea was the best of all.

Princess: “I think that all the animals that run out on to the road should be sent to a special school so they can learn their Green Cross Road!”

Well she was nearly right, and the cat well he was still dodging the traffic, I guess he wanted to use up some of his nine lives.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

What’s THAT smell!

We have all been there sitting in the doctors when the smelliest person comes and sits right next to you. Or shopping in the supermarket and you walk past someone who had just let one go and then they try to walk away from the smell.

No well you have obviously never been shopping with me then, I seem to attract these people or maybe just their bad smells. So it was no surprise when a trip to Tesco ended in the biggest smell hunt ever.

It all started whilst we were in the car, the smell was unbearable Monster got the blame big time. The smell was getting stronger and stronger, and little monster was adamant it wasn’t him. So after some investigations he was then cleared of all smelliness charges.

That left four more suspects, once home the smell seemed to be following us all the way from Tesco. I made all the kids take of their shoes to eliminate dog poo shoe, nope shoes all clear but the smell was still as strong as ever.

After checking Monster just one more time for luck, I thought maybe it was me. I had already had a shower first thing, but maybe shopping for bits in Tesco had made me break out in a cold sweat there was nothing to lose. I had a lovely hot shower and changed my clothes, but still THAT smell was unbearable.

So it wasn’t me or monster, the shoes were clear so what the hell was causing the smell? I shouted Drama and had a quick sniff, she smelt like the perfume counter at boots, and then I remembered we stopped off at boots where she insisted on emptying the entire row of testers all over herself.

Teenage Mission was next, I was dreading this one. Teenagers can smell of two things depending on when they last took a shower, it was either going to be Lynx overload or dead rat. I was lucky he had a shower that morning and it was still the Lynx overload, well he has got a girlfriend and it’s always best you smell nice.

Princess Mission was the last on my list, as I pulled her close the was her! But I still couldn’t figure out why the smell was so strong. She was clean and tidy and she insists on using my perfume every day. But this wasn’t perfume, deodorant or overload of soap, it was a nasty sickly smell and it was coming from my beautiful 4 year old daughter.

Further investigation was required, I took off her jeans thinking she had accidently forgotten to go to the loo, nope. After further smelling I noticed the smell was definitely coming from her jeans, and then I noticed a small brownish mark by the bottom of her rolled up jeans. I rolled the leg down slowly and out popped a nasty little piece of dog poo!

Everyone cleared the living room, it was like that scene from Monsters Inc when they find a sock on the monster, and the clean team come down and de fumigates him. I was expecting little men to come running into the living room and spray Princess down. But how could Poo get into her rolled up jeans, then I remembered Princess thought she had stood in something and I rolled up her jeans because they were a little bit too long, she must have rubbed the poo off her shoe and onto her jeans, all before I rolled them up.

It all made sense but we still had the matter of this bit of poo in the living room, I was brave and I managed to pick it up with about 50 baby wipes and the jeans well they found themselves in the wash ALONE.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Mummy gets a Promotion!

Well us mum’s know only too well how hard we work, if we aren’t making sure the house work is done then there is the laundry to do, kids to look after and not before we have been to work and done an 8 hour day. Our Job description if we had one would look like a copy of war and peace. But we get on with everything and no gold stars needed.

So you can imagine my surprise when I found out that Handpicked Media wanted my blog. Yes you heard right MY BLOG. I nearly fainted with excitement, these guys only take the best and mine was one of them. The screams could probably be heard from Eastham to Lands End (well muted screams) I did have Laryngitis at the time.

The kid’s responses where the best as Teenage Mission asked the definitive question:

“Does this mean we can go Xbox game shopping now?”

Drama Mission asked:

“Does this mean we will have to move to London? I hope so have you seen how many shops they have?” She takes after her mum.

Princess asked:

“Did it hurt?”


“what do you mean sweetie?”


“When they Handpicked you?”

After a little explanation she understood, a bit better I think. Although she still has a tendency to come over and rub my arm better.

Then Monsters reply has to be the best:

“Mummy’s Blog is going to be on the Handpicked site”


“OK, But can I have sweets now?”

Well that was it the whole family were so please at mummy’s success. My parents and sisters called with congratulations messages and friends were texting with well done messages.

I felt like I had landed a job with Sir Alan himself, so a massive thank you goes out to the handpicked team and for making me feel like a part of this lovely family.

Thursday, 21 October 2010


I love watching the Apprentice, but it’s now 3 weeks in and some of them are grating against me and making me feel so cross. Take Melissa for instance she is “supposed” to be this amazing business woman who deals in the food industry. So why was it she couldn’t do the figures for a single bread roll last night and the “Amazing” Paloma, who done nothing but moan about how their team leader was performing, yet she failed to even offer her services to be a “Team Leader” in the first place. These people are supposed to be academics yet they fail to multi task every week, they most certainly don’t know what the word “TEAM WORK” means and don't get me started on common sense!

So I have decided to lend some of my mummy advice to these brains of business and a few ideas for some of the tasks we should make these amazing Apprentices do!


You have to change a baby’s bum whilst holding a telephone conversation with either the bank manager/school head or other.


Getting the baby settled, whist warming the milk and feeding a baby whilst, trying not to wake the other children and the other half.


This is a killer; this will sort the men from the boys. They need to have the worst night sleep and then still get up in the morning, get them all dressed whilst sorting breakfast and lunches. Then get them all off to school on time, then go to work.

Task Four: WEANING

This one is harder than the muffins task last night, in fact I would have gladly swopped for that task. It’s all about timing and remembering to duck at the right moments.

Task Five: KIDS TV

This task is all about trying to preserve all your working brain cells (well whatever you have left) and to try have a sneaky sleep whilst your child isn’t watching you.


They will need to find childcare at the drop of a hat. This task will need organisational skills, help of family and lots of good friends.


This task will baffle even the most educated Apprentice, you will have a to-do list with 50 tasks or more and you must complete them all before bedtime...GO!


This task you will be helping one or more children with different levels of homework, whilst trying to cook tea and tidy up any toys been left lying around.

Task Nine: BEDTIME

This is one the hardest task’s ever, even super nanny struggles with bedtime. So this task is to take three children to bed and make them stay there all night.


Now if they passed this task I would employ them all. The must go to the supermarket and do a full weeks shop, with a tired and ratty 2 year old.

As a Mummy we have to learn to think on our feet, multi task a million jobs at a time and hit the ground running.

So next time you hear one of these Apprentices moaning about:

Team work

Not being listened to

Being spoken over

Being over ruled

Being an ACADEMIC!

Then all you mummy’s just remember we may not be the brains of business (well I’m not), we may not be the most educated (me again) but we have the hardest job in the world, but also the most rewarding too. So they can keep their posh jobs and nice suits, give me chocolate finger designer jeans and a sicky tshirt any day of the week. 

I'm a mummy and very proud of it and you should be too.

PS  They should be grateful i never sent in the TEENAGERS, that when the trouble begins.

Friday, 15 October 2010


It’s true that children know “everything” and we as mere grown up’s who have been in this world a lot longer know nothing when it comes to life and what’s “Cool”. After all we have spent all our lives wandering around with our heads in the clouds and god knows what we did before we had these know all kids.

Take a conversation I had with monster the other day in the car, we were driving passed the local shop when he spotted the milk lorry.

Monster:” There are cows in there.”

Mummy: Where?

Monster:” In that milk lorry!”

Mummy: “No there isn’t silly there are just bottles of milk.”

Monster: “Yes but where does milk come from? COWS!!!!!”

Well that was me well and truly told off, but it doesn’t stop with monster, Princess was at it too. We were having a discussion about the stars and the planets, and Princess asked me to draw the world. So I drew the world as I knew it, stupidly I was wrong on this occasion too.

Princess: “Mummy you are rubbish at drawing” (tell me something I don’t know)

Mummy: “Why? You asked me to draw the world.”

Princess: “But mummy if the world was round then we would all fall off and get lost in space!”

So I had to the draw a “flat” world so she could add her countries to it.

Whatever you thought you knew as adults please stop because you are WRONG, as I was told by Drama. Adults know nothing and I was given a list of Adult do’s and don’ts:

You don’t know how to use Heeley’s (those shoes with the wheels on the bottom) so don’t even try!

The only boy bands worthy of being mentioned are those below the age of 30! (So no Take that, Boy zone or dare I say those dinosaurs that are Duran Duran)

We should never dance around the living room to Usher or the Saturdays because that is just WRONG!

Never talk about the toys we used to have when we were little because that was when everything was in “Black & White” and far too boring!

And most importantly we should “NEVER” talk to them when they have friends around! (That’s just UNcool and way too embarrassing).

At least I got a list from Drama, Teenage Mission well what can I say it took far too long to understand what he was going on about. I am now looking for a full time interpreter to tell me what on earth he is wittering on about.

I asked him about what he thought I should know about teenagers today and this is what I was told:

You don’t talk to “NOOBS” (know nothing kids)

You listen to “screamo” bands like Bullet for my Valentine, Paramore, 30 Seconds to mars etc

You play “COD” some war Xbox game, where you shoot “360’s” and record what you are doing and put it on “you tube” so you can get more “SUBs”!

When I was little the closest thing we got to recording stuff was the charts on a Sunday evening, with my finger poised on the pause button waiting for the end of the song. Apparently that is called downloading now!

So now I have a headache just thinking about all of that, I can’t even play Mario without getting killed by one of those flying things. I have now decided I’m not even going to try and understand my kids, they are far too clever for their years and as a 34 year old mother all I can do is put my hands up in the air and shout “I KNOW NOTHING!”

Tuesday, 5 October 2010


As mums we teach our kids that it’s wrong to lie, and telling the truth is the right thing to do. But as grown up’s we lie at any opportunity, I’m not talking massive porkers just little white lies.

For instance:

Daddy Mission “Are those new boots?”

Me: “No silly I have had them for ages; they have been shoved in the back of the wardrobe”

Now that was only a little lie. Because they had been in the back of the wardrobe, but for only a few minutes whilst I was hiding the box.

We also tell them to our children:

If you don’t eat up all your vegetables then you won’t grow big and strong. Really well it never did me any harm.

If you say you don’t believe in Father Christmas then he won’t come to you.

Also if you are naughty then Santa will bring you ashes.

Now these two could save me a fortune......but again little white lies.

So you can imagine my horror when one of these little white lies comes back and bites me on the bum. You see Princess Mission is four and very impressionable she believes everything she is told.

I call her gullible Annie, after I caught daddy mission trying to convince her to support Manchester United. He was telling her they were the greatest team ever; she was starting to come around to his way of thinking until I told her “Shrek” played for them. (She hates that film). To which she replied “err no thank you daddy”.

That was my girl, she was born blue (Everton blue) and she will stay that way or so I thought. My beautiful princess is a tiny little thing and loves to play, so I couldn’t believe my ear’s when I heard her shouting a rather unsavoury word in our back garden one day.

The word was, oh god I shudder when I think about it, please don’t make me say it:


Oh lord I could have cried, I ran outside and asked her what she had just said, she repeated it again. The conversation that followed was a long one, I explained that if you say THAT word your tongue will go black and fall out and it was a really naughty word. All was forgotten and she went off outside to play, I was praying the neighbours hadn’t heard her, what would they think.

Until yesterday that was, you see Little Princess is now in full time school and loves being with all her friends and she adores her new teacher. But princess likes to be the upstanding student and loves to tell her teacher when someone is doing something wrong. So whilst playing around the sand pit a conversation started about football, you can see where I’m going with this one can’t you.

Princess and three little friends discussing their favourite teams, Princess declares I love Everton, well the girl has taste what can I say.

Her first little friends declared I love Tranmere Rovers; Princess tells her that there is no such team. You can imagine the conversation a bit like that milk ad in the 80’s where the two kids were arguing over the milk, because someone said that if they don’t drink enough milk that they would only be good enough to play for Liverpool, or something like that anyway.

The second child declares his love for Manchester United, Princess replied well I don’t like that team it’s full of ogres and talking donkeys (well she is nearly right).

Then comes the bomb shell her forth little friend declares well I love LIVERPOOL, Princess couldn’t believe her ear’s. But she had remembered what she had heard and swiftly told her little friend not to speak and to stay where he was.

She quickly ran and got the teacher telling her that her friend had said a naughty word, when the teacher asked what it was; Princess said she couldn’t say it. The teachers said oh was it a naughty word, Princess nodded and told the teacher that her mummy had said if anyone says this word then their tongue would turn black and fall out.

Apparently her little friend never spoke for the rest of the day in fear that his tongue would fall out, and Princess well she was happy knowing she had saved her little friends tongue from falling out, after all just think of the mess it would have made in the sand pit.

Monday, 4 October 2010

Mummy Missions wise words to the young.

When I was younger, my mum taught me many things about life in general. That you get washed and dressed in the morning, always eat breakfast because it’s the most important meal of the day and show some respect to your elders.

So I seem a little baffled as to why these lessons aren’t being taught to some of our young. It seems that the most important life lessons are being ignored and I now feel that it’s my duty as a mummy, to guide these little lost souls, as I now lovingly refer to them as “Generation Chav”.

I would now like to lay down some of the ground rules that I was taught as a child, they are very simple I will try not to baffle you with long words and if you don’t understand a word you can google it ( I know you will understand that word)

Lesson 1. Please don’t feel it necessary to walk around the shops with your Pyjamas on. Pyjamas are BED CLOTHES and should be worn in the privacy of your own home. Primark, Top shop, New look etc were not invented just to make the high street look pretty you know, they sell a massive range of stylish clothes at affordable prices and there is one on a high street near YOU.

Lesson 2. Personal Hygiene this is one of the most important lessons you will ever learn, a bar of soap costs 7 pence in Asda ( I googled that). I really don’t want to walk past you in the street and then smell you for the next ten minutes because you smelt so bad. A few years ago now there was a shop that opened called Pound land (the clue is in the name) everything is £1 surprisingly! They sell everything from deodorant to special crappy toys so no excuses.

Lesson 3. Now many celebrities will benefit from this life lesson. Underwear is VERY important. My Nan used to say “make sure you put clean underwear on every day, just incase you got run over”. Now if some of these youngsters got run over, well let’s just say it wouldn’t be a pretty sight with no underwear on. I don’t wish to see your bits and bobs on display as you climb out of your car and I certainly don’t think it necessary to have your other bits and bobs unsupported that is just wrong. Please see lesson one for good places to buy these garment from and PLEASE start using them you look a sight.

Lesson 4. Rollers in your hair are for the home and the hairdressers, not for walking around the shops on a Saturday morning. You may think you look fabulous but really YOU DONT.

Lesson 5. Now I’m certain that you have never heard the saying “less is more” come on ladies it’s just not nice or classy to walk around with more cheap gold draped on you than they have got in the window of the half price jewellers. Ditch the cheap gold and accessorise with style.

Lesson 6. PLEASE STOP feeling the need to paint yourself ORANGE, you look like you have been slapped by the tango man and the man from Del Monte he will say a big fat no. Girls come on self tan is fine and you can get some really classy looking self tans. But please STOP adding to it every day, you look like you haven’t washed for a few years.

Lesson 7. Now this is where I start sounding like I’m repeating myself, no not because I’m getting old but because you are making the same mistakes. Makeup is supposed to be a statement of who you are and it’s not supposed to look like you grabbed a trowel and forgot to looking in the mirror. Again ladies “LESS IS MORE”.

Lesson 8. Now mobile phones are a great invention it means that you can go anywhere and still be contacted. But please young chav when having a conversation on your mobile, don’t feel it necessary to shout the person on the other end of the phone isn’t deaf and I don’t need to know how big your latest conquest was.

Lesson 9. Manners they don’t cost you anything, just simple words PLEASE and THANK YOU. See they aren’t that hard to say. Go on practice and when I hold the door open for you or you want me to move out of your way say these little words and they will get you further than grunting at me. I don’t have a qualification in grunting, but I am learning I do have a teenager.

Lesson 10. Now for the last lesson of the day. I see some of these lovely young Chav’s have off spring of their own. Lovely little things they are, with snotty noses, little chav chains and an attitude bigger than their parents. But please big chav don’t see this as your god given right to haul abuse at these little ones. It’s not nice to stand there shouting nasty and vile words at your child and its certainly not acceptable to slap then in any way, shape or form.

So there you have it, life isn’t that hard, and if you follow my 10 lesson plan you can be CHAV free by the end of the day.

Lots of love Mummy Mission


Sunday, 3 October 2010

My Field of Dreams

After working crappy jobs since I was 16, I was part of a generation that was taught just to get a job, there was no time for daydreaming. I still remember that chat with the career’s advisor:

She said “What are your interests?”

Me: “well I love writing and making up stories”

She said “well enough of that day dreaming let’s get you a proper job”

I remember tripping over my tears on the way out of the office.  The early 90’s were so rubbish where I lived, no one was allowed to dream well certainly not in our house you had to get a job and keep it for as long as possible.

So at the stroke of midnight 2010, (nearly 20 years later) I made a promise to myself that this would be the year that I started to follow my dreams.  I was determined that this mummy was going to become a successful writer, Journalist and one day Columnist. I searched the internet for writing jobs, until I came across something called Field of Dreams.

At first glance I thought it was just something to do with the film Kevin Costner was in but reading into it, it had been set up by an amazing lady called Muireann C-Campbell. This amazing lady has inspired me to write down all of my dreams and ambitions and send them to her and she puts them on her Field of Dreams blog for all to see.

So I sat down with my post card and thought about what I REALLY wanted out of life, this was hard after all I come from a family who don’t dream. So breaking with tradition I stared to write:

1. I want to become a successful writer/journalist

2. I want to build a better life for my family

3. I want to be an inspiration to others

4. I want to give something back to the world (raise money for hardworking charities)

5. I want to teach my children to dream

6. To write a book

That was it my dreams list was complete, and all I had to do now was post it.   My heart was beating so fast I could hardly breathe (I know far too dramatic) but I had waited so long.

I suppose this is where it all begins.....Go on take a look and write down all your dreams and send it to the address below, what have you got to lose?


Field of Dreams

PO BOX 299



LS16 0EY

Monday, 27 September 2010


Us mum’s are the only ones that know there is no such thing as a quick trip to the shops. By the time you have loaded the car with buggies and kids you could have been to the shops and back. Then there is the saga of who gets to sit in the trolley, although you know you don’t actually need enough stuff to fill the trolley, but you know you are going to get more than you bargained for anyway.
Well today was no different, only this time I only have little Monster to come shopping with me and after our last visit I wasn’t taking any chances. Strapped into his buggy where I knew he would be safe and out of his own mischievous way I set off around the shop.

All was peaceful until I heard “Mummy can you open this?” Oh lord this child is not safe even in his own pushchair. He had grabbed a packet of Cheese stings and started nibbling at the packet, it was so wet and soggy, I couldn’t put it back on the shelf. That was another thing I had to buy that wasn’t on the list.

I carried on shopping, whilst keeping a watchful eye on the little monster until all my shopping was eventually done. I struggled to the till trying to carry a very heavy basket and push a pram at the same time (now that’s what I call Multi- tasking). Once at the self serve tills I waited behind a lovely little old lady who was trying to pay for her shopping. She was 80 years old you know, (they love telling you their age) and it was the first time she had ever used the self service checkouts before. She was very sweet and kept apologising for keeping the queue waiting. I pretended I wasn’t bothered, but the waiting queue of men behind me seemed rather unhappy.

But her card kept being declined, and she couldn’t understand why. I happily waited patiently, whilst she kept trying to key in her pin number, in the end I offered to help her. I watched her as she tried again just to be sure she was doing everything right. Then when it was declined again, I suggested she took her card out to make sure her chip wasn’t damaged.

Then to my horror I discovered she had been trying to pay for her shopping with her Tesco Club card. I had to turn away and let out a little giggle, the poor lady was mortified. She went on to explain that it was the same colour as her NatWest card and she hadn’t noticed. The poor lady, every man in the queue was moaning about being held up by her. Do you know what I wasn’t, because in 50 years I know that little old lady will be me and I will take great pleasure holding up a queue of moaning men, because I can.

Thursday, 16 September 2010


Monster Mission is just old enough to use the potty, yet today he nominated himself as a Mystery Shopper in our local Asda.
Have you ever taken your little one to the shops and come back with a little more than you paid for? Well I’m sure we have all been there, done that and brought the t-shirt, unless it’s just my thrifty fingered lot.

Thinking back it was Teenage Missions favourite pastime in the Asda, in the end I had to check the tray of Drama’s buggy just incases. We inherited a few strange items, in the end I used to wish they would stock good stuff on the bottom shelves just to make it worthwhile.

So today Monster broke the Mission tradition. Instead of taking something he had forgotten to pay for he spent his time running around the store filling up unsuspecting victims baskets. His first victim a little old lady shopping for a birthday card, then bam Monster strikes and her basket is filled with birthday cards. I suppose he was only trying to help, you can never be too prepared.

His next victim was a lady, early 30’s shopping for sweets. She didn’t count on the Monster mystery shopper, because she ended up with a basket full of Haribo sweets. I couldn’t get away quick enough. Just when I thought his reign of terror was over he stuck again, only this time he had met his match.

A little girl was shopping with her daddy, Monster was in the biscuit aisle and was eyeing up the chocolate fingers. It was like a scene from a John Wayne film. He stood one end and she was the other, he walked up to the shelf and picked up a packet of chocolate fingers. He slowly walked to the basket and placed the packet in; it all seemed so easy so he did it again. He didn’t count on the fact that every time he put one pack in the little girl was taking them back out, he wasn’t too sure why they were all disappearing. He carried on until the little girl’s dad noticed that his little girl had turned in to a mystery shopper too, because it seemed she was putting them in people’s trolleys as they passed.

The pair of us could do nothing but laugh and quickly get our little shoppers out of the store as quickly as possible. So lots of people would have got to the tills and noticed a few more items than they bargained and budgeted for. So next time you are at Asda look out for your own little mystery shopper, he will be around.

Wednesday, 15 September 2010


Its true and it was revealed a few weeks back that I am actually suffering from a true and real syndrome. No it’s not that Drama Queen syndrome that some idiot said I had the other day, it real.

There are no tablets I can take and there is no cure either, and it’s ALL my fault. You see I am suffering from what is known as “Oldest Child Syndrome”. You may laugh but it’s true I saw it on Google, and if it’s on Google then it must be true.

Just ask Drama Mission when she Googled, Zac Effron as she does on a regular basis or JLS it gives her up to date information.  Even though it did say that Zac was joining the JLS group and that JLS were Destiny’s child in disguise. So the internet is fairly accurate most of the time anyway, well just sometimes then.

Anyway back to my rather alarming syndrome, I have never had a syndrome before I didn’t know what to expect. So I searched the internet for answers, what did it all mean? I phoned around some clinics in the hope to get an appointment with a psychologist; but do you know how much those people charge?

It wasn’t THAT important, so I rang my friend. She had studied Child Psychology, well they all the same aren’t they and she only cost a cup of tea and half a pack of digestives (greedy cow they were mine). So after munching on MY chocolate digestives she finally got around to telling what this O.C.S actually was.

It’s a condition that affects the oldest child of the family, the symptoms are:

Needing to look after everyone

Taking on other people’s problems and worrying about them as if they were your own

Feeling responsible for things out of your control

And worrying about everybody unnecessarily

Well that’s me in a nut shell; I asked was there anything I could do to stop these feelings, or to cure my syndrome. But she said that would cost another packet of chocolate digestives. So it really wasn’t that important I got the answer to that question, after all we are talking about CHOCOLATE DIGESTIVES here.

So I feel quite special now I know I have a syndrome, it did cost me half a pack of my favourite biscuits but now I can relate to why I’m always stressed and it has nothing to do with living in a mad house OR being married to Daddy Mission. WELL MAYBE SOME OF IT IS.


Tuesday, 14 September 2010


As Mummy Mission I felt that I had to issue a full apology to the Monster and Goblin world. It seems that in my rush to continue blogging after my confidence took a nasty knock yesterday, I missed a few of these Monsters out.

So the Apology has to go to:

The Toilet Roll Monster:

Without him us mums would have all the toilet roll we needed, we would never run out and we would NEVER find it all over the floor in the bathroom and blocking up our toilets.

The Toilet Seat Monster:

Without him we would always find the loo seat as we left it, and we would never have to shout at the boys in the house for leaving the seat up (because we know it’s the monster)

The Food Monster:

He comes around just after you have done your big shop and demolishes all of the food from the cupboards, leaving our poor children to go hungry.

The Fridge Monster:

He is closely related to the Food Monster. But he drinks all the milk, he leaves the lids off the jam and the cheese spread and leaves the door open so everything goes off.

The Kitchen Monster:

He comes late at night, normally when everyone is in bed and takes out all the cups and plates from the cupboards and leaves them all over the sides in the kitchen (this is Daddy Missions least favourite monster)

So now I have apologised I hope that the relationship between the human and monster communities can live side by side and in peace.

I hope I have made you all smile and you have taken this blog in the context it was intended for as a BIT OF FUN.

Disclaimer: No Monsters were HURT OR OFFENDED by this blog, as a human you should have the common sense to take this as a bit of fun and not an INSULT. If you wish to leave a comment I would be most grateful.

Monday, 13 September 2010


Have you ever sat and wondered what else lives in your house? I mean apart from the Hubby, the kids and the pet worm. Well I have noticed some strange goings on in the mission house for some time now, I’m not sure what but it was something. So I decided to go and investigate these strange things.

I discovered some new species and needed to warn other mums of their existence:


He comes to your house and fills up empty washing baskets. Just so we are never without washing. He lies in wait and when you go to bed he gleefully fills to his heart’s content and when he is done he moves on to his next victim.


He comes and steels a sock from every pair, so when you are rushing around the next day trying to get the kids up and dressed you really CAN’T find that other sock. He takes them back to sock land where everything is made from odd socks.


He is a nasty little thing he comes and tips all of the children’s toys and leaves them all over the floor, and then watches as the children get all of the blame. He loves it when you’re half asleep and checking on the little ones late at night, he lays blocks of Lego in the middle of the floor for you to stand on.


Now he is related to the WASHING GOBLIN, but he takes great pride in throwing clothes all over the floor. He doesn’t care if it’s the nicely ironed pile you carefully placed on the children’s beds, or underwear from the draws. Anything he can find he will scatter it all over the bedroom floor, the bathroom floor, the landing and any other room he sees fit.


He only comes out when the children return home from school. He leaves bags all over the living room floor for you to trip over and bang into. Even when you get the children to put them away they seem to creep back down the stairs and back into the living room until you fall over them again.

So now I have made you all aware of these little monsters, you can now keep an eye out for them. They will trash your home and blame it all on your children.......OR DO THEY?

Sunday, 12 September 2010


Daddy Mission is a man and this was confirmed a week ago. You see as a mummy I spend my days running around like a pure lunatic, washing, ironing, cleaning, looking after the kids, sorting the house out and working.

So in my rush to get Drama Mission to Drama class last Sunday, I forgot to wash the 3 breakfast dishes that the children had used for their rushed breakfasts that morning. I had only been out of the house for about an hour when I got a phone call. It was Daddy, my heart sank. Was everything okay at home? Had the house burnt down? Had he been in some sort of accident and needed me urgently? NO.... He was ring to tell me he had washed the dishes that I had left on the side in the kitchen.

Oh my lord, I started to laugh down the phone. He asked “why are you laughing?” My reply “My darling when you have looked after all of the children and tidied the house from top to bottom then come back to me and THEN you can have a gold star”. He wasn’t best impressed with my response; well what did he expect it was three dishes.

But after speaking to my sister, it seems that this gold star syndrome runs through MOST men. They want one every time they do something around the house. Stuff we do every day, mundane, boring jobs, do you hear us bleating for recognition. No. Because if we did we would be told that it was OUR job anyway.

There are so many examples to M.G.S.S (men’s gold star syndrome):

My brother in law for example: He was put in charge of watching his own son and took it upon himself to do his OWN ironing whilst my poor sister was suffering from morning sickness. He made her tell all their friends that he had done the ironing!

Another example: Why is it when you decided to go out, (once in every blue moon) they decided to tell their friends they can’t come out because they are babysitting. But when you are minding the children on a daily basis you are just looking after YOUR children.

Also when they make a meal (Yes, beans on toast) they want you to worship them like they are Gordon Ramsey and they have made you a master piece.

Maybe I’m being harsh, but I bet you are all nodding in agreement (yes you are) MOST men are born DRAMA QUEENS! So let’s give them the gold star they truly deserve, but let’s make sure that when they sign the gold star agreement we get something pretty for EVERY JOB we do around the house too.

Friday, 10 September 2010


The High Court in London today revealed the identity of Mummy Mission. She was named as 34 year old mother of four, Lena Doherty. The court decided to reveal the identity of the mother of four because she had forgotten what her name was.

The confused mum lost her identity from a young age when she was lovingly referred to as you, child or called by another siblings name by her own mother. Strangers would refer to her as “Kev’s Daughter, Lenny’s Granddaughter or even that the girl that works at Iceland”.

The identity crisis only worsened when she married her long – term partner and she was given a whole new identity “Wayne’s Missus”. This sorry state of a woman was then lead in to further confusion after she had her four children then becoming known as “Jack, Emily’s, Mollie’s or Fin’s mum”

After careful consideration by the courts and Social services, it was deemed that this Mother had been through enough in her short lifetime and should be told who she was. She recalled being called something that once resembled a name, but it was too long ago to remember.

Speaking outside of court today Mrs Doherty was overwhelmed to finally know what her actual name was and she was quoted as saying “This is a victory for mums all over the world who have lost their identity’s now let’s drink wine”

The government have now got involved in this high profile case and are going to review the laws about woman being referred to as just someone’s Wife, Mother and Daughter and it will open the flood gates to more women around the world demanding to know their true identities.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Mummy Mission and her Thomas Adventure!

Well it’s been a bit quiet in the mission household recently, not one single incident worth mentioning, until yesterday that was. I had a lovely day with Drama and Princess shopping in Chester and a spot of lunch by the Dee followed by Ice cream.

The Train Journey home was even filled with joy, but that was mainly because of the drunk Blackpool fan tucked up in the corner, with his can of Stella and his rendition of waltzing Matilda. He was very entertaining until he decided to throw up all over the ticket master, not the best thing to do but admittedly he was on the wrong train anyway and the long walk home to Blackpool probably would have sobered him up very quickly.

Anyway once home the girls were having a fashion show of what they had brought in Chester and Monster was showing off his New Thomas engine all was calm when bang! Monster had taken it upon himself to see if his new train could bounce, admittedly it did bounce once it had hit my bare foot.

The tears streamed from the laughing faces of my little family, it wasn’t funny. Well maybe it was after all what damage could a plastic train do to a bare foot declared Daddy Mission only after he picked up the engine he noticed that the engine part of the train was actually metal, and mummy’s toes had now turned black. Monster came to apologise and give his mummy a big hug only to stand on the toes he had just blackened with his toy engine!

Off to A&E and 5 hours later a student doctor confirmed what I had told him 5 hours earlier, but we are sorry there is nothing we can do but strap them together and let them heal naturally. The good old NHS, the student doctor went on to ask me very sarcastically how I knew they were broken?  I had to refrain myself from telling him, but I calmly declared “MOTHERS KNOW EVERYTHING”! After all it’s in our Job description, along with the eyes in the back of our heads and the mother’s intuition.

So Thomas the tank engine has now been barred from our house until he learns to behave!

Saturday, 3 July 2010


Well I suppose I’d better introduce myself my name is Lena Doherty (le to friends), I’m 34 so that makes me way too old to ever work for the BBC, and I really don’t have the face for radio let alone TV.   


 I started a writing a few years ago now, then a friend convinced me to do a course with the Writers Bureau back in October 2009, and hope to gain my qualification as a writer/Journalist come the summer, then that’s when the hard work begins trying to break into the world of magazines and news paper’s.

I’m also a mummy to four great kids, each with dreams all of their own, but that is a whole other story. You have probably met them all already at some point in my blog.

I'm married to a hard working man called Wayne, who on occasions drives me nuts, but apparently that’s what husbands are meant to do!  He forgets all important dates, he is late for everything and he is an old fashioned kind of guy who believes his wife should do all the chores around the house whilst he looks after his main priority his 1966 VW split screen camper. 


I love him all the same and I wouldn’t have him any other way because when he does help out he puts coloured washing in with the whites wash, he loads the dishwasher all wrong and if I asked him to change the bed then oh don’t get me started.

My dream is to be a successful writer,Journalist and one day Columnist, maybe one day the dream will come true but until then I will be working hard to make sure it does.   I don’t want to be famous; I just want to be able to express my views and opinions about what happens in this crazy world and believe me it is CRAZY!

I have spent most of my life worrying about what people think of me, until this year when I vowed to make all of my dreams come true.  


 At the stroke of midnight I vowed that I would be a successful Columnist, and create a better life for my family.

In this day and age most women work, look after their families and juggle the housework all without breaking into a sweat.  Well that is of course unless your celebrity mum, but they are completely different bread of MUM! (Well some of them are anyway)

I'm going to be writing about all the news that gets me hot under the collar, the news that makes me laugh and cry and whole host of other things in between, so sit back grab a cuppa and I hope you enjoy.

Pssst. If you know of any editors looking for a columnist, tell them I’m funny, caring and not afraid of a bit of hard work. Then show them this blog and get them to drop me an email

Thursday, 1 July 2010


Ladies there are three types of men in this world:

The ones who love to shop: Now these are very few and far between, they are either Gay or just very style conscious and I only know one of these men and it just happens to be my brother in law.

The ones who hate to shop: This in fact is most men; they will do anything to get out of going. They would even go as far as faking an illness just to make you do your own birthday shopping!

The ones who are worse than the kids when you take them shopping: You know the ones you see their poor wives in the supermarket taking stuff out of the trolley that they have just put in. And they come out with sayings like “Oh this is on offer we should definitely get this” and “oh I have always wanted to try this” to something that will be stuck in the cupboard forever.

I can tell you daddy mission is the second one, he hates shopping with a passion. He wanders round the shops like a stroppy teenager, who has just been asked to get a wash! So I tend not to take him shopping with me at all. I have even done my own birthday and Christmas present shopping for the last 13 years THAT is how much he hates it.

Until one day he decided to mutter those dreaded words. Shall we go food shopping tomorrow, instead of getting it delivered? For the sake of our marriage and my sanity, those words should never be said AGAIN!

My heart sank, I panicked, what on earth was I supposed to say to that “No you’re a miserable bugger and we are not going shopping...EVER”. Well I’m not THAT horrible so I reluctantly agreed, knowing what would happen, and it did. Every time I put something in the trolley I was met with a barrage of questions: “why do we need that”, “Is there a cheaper alternative”, “Do we need that”......... after 5 minutes of this I snapped and told him if he uttered another word then I would leave him in the supermarket all ALONE and go home without him.

Well that shocked him because he never uttered a single word for the rest of the shopping trip, I just got the odd look, you know the one THAT LOOK! He was dying to say something especially when I put a tub of expensive Ice cream in the trolley. You could almost see steam coming from his ears when I put in a more expensive Pizza. Now I was just winding him up, cruel I know but you have to have some fun when you’re married to a Man united fan.

After we had paid and got all the shopping home it was all too much for Daddy Mission as he had to put his feet up and watch a bit of cricket whilst I put all of the shopping away. But it may have been a blessing in disguise as he has NEVER asked to go shopping again!

Wednesday, 30 June 2010


Well some people may say I have set myself up for a fall, but I believe in this mission so much that I have to succeed. You see my grandparents mean the world to me, as I’m sure every ones grandparents do to them too.

But my Nan and granddad are super special to me, as when I was conceived my biological one ran off so fast his feet failed to touch the ground, and who was there to pick up the pieces you guessed it Nan and granddad . They were there when I was born, when I took my first steps and even on my first day at school. My Nan even said that my granddad had never changed nappies until I arrived so I must have been special.

I felt like I was the most special little girl in the whole wide world growing up as I had my mum, my Nan, my granddad and my four uncles. Well that was until my sisters arrived!

Yes you guessed it my mum married (twice) which resulted in 4 more sisters, but still the apple of my grandparent’s eye I took to being a big sister very well, after all I learnt from the best. My uncles taught me all the best tricks, the best one was when playing hide and seek how to lock the airing cupboard door so they thought they had found the best hiding place ever!

So when we all grew up Nan and granddad decided that they had done their job, helping with the grand children and by now the great grandchildren and they wanted to sell up and move to the countryside, little did we know it was the Irish countryside they wanted to move to?

So now they have been their three whole years and no amount of visiting will ever make up for them not being so close to the heart of their family, and until now they have been extremely happy living out in the sticks. But when speaking to Nan a few weeks back she said the words we have been longing to hear “we want to come home”.

My heart skipped a beat, so I have now set my mission to earn enough money from selling articles and possibly my blog to raise enough money to be able to bring them home!

Monday, 21 June 2010


Every mum’s family is perfect in her own way, if you ask any mum she will tell you she has angels when her children are sleeping and devils when they are all awake.

This is the same in the Mission house; I used to strive for perfection and nothing less, but now I’m a little older I know that no one is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers

My family is no different we all have our ups and downs, we all say things we don’t mean from time to time and we can never all agree on most things. But that is now my perfect family.

So I’m going to take you on a tour of the Mission Family, so if you ever visit us then you know our pit falls:

Right well I suppose we had better start with the head of the house, the top dog, the one who has full control, that’s right ME! Daddy Mission would completely disagree with that and say it was him, but I’m the one who runs this house every day, I’m the one who makes sure EVERYTHING is done so we will start with me.

Mummy Mission:

Well what can I say, I’m a 34 years old I have 4 gorgeous children and a rather nice husband (well sometimes anyway). I have always worked in administration, until I was made redundant after 6 years of working for the same company. But this year I had already decided on a change and I went in to writing and Journalism (which I love so much). I am now a Freelance Media Consultant with my own business, so I have to juggle being Mummy and being business mummy but I love it all the same. The dream is to write my own articles and then maybe one day I may just get my own column somewhere. I am very OCD in my cleaning especially when I’m worried about something, and I have a tendency to want to look after EVERYONE so beware!

I would really love to be able to take the kids travelling, see different parts of the world and experience different cultures, something I never got to do as a child, the furthest we ever got was to my Nan’s caravan in Wales and everyone was ENGLISH!

Daddy Mission:

Well he is a 37 year old Maintenance Engineer who up until 3 years ago had worked for the same company he served his apprenticeship with (now not many people can say that) but change was brewing, and believe me with Daddy Mission that does not happen very often. He applied for a vacancy at the local Zoo and got the job, so now we get lots of days out to the Zoo and Daddy is a happier bunny. He has a love for old stuff, mainly old bands like Led Zeplin, Black Sabbath, Deep purple etc, and for his beautiful 1966 VW Split Screen Camper van (which he adores) he has said on many occasions if I made him choose between me and the van, then Oscar as the van is passionately know as would win hands down every time! Charming I know, but that is Daddy Mission once he is passionate about something he finds it hard to let go, but 13 years on and we are still going strong. We have our disagreements most of the time, but I know he loves his family more than the world and he would do anything to protect us all. He is also a Black Belt in Tae Kwon do, after watching Teenage Mission train hard every week he decided it was time to take up a new sport as old age and football really don’t mix.

His ambition is in 10 years once the mortgage is all paid off he wants to travel the world in his camper van, but I have told him he will have to put his plans on hold for a little while as Monster mission will only be 12 and way too young to leave!

Then there is Teenage Mission:

He is a 12 year old computer boffin; he knows things even the IT team at school don’t know. He is a lovable little man with a big heart, not that he likes to show it to everyone, as he has been treated badly by previous girlfriends. But he is young he will learn, he used to be an active kid until 12 months ago he was struck down by a debilitating Joint problem, he is now under 2 consultants and has been told not to do any form of exercise until they discover what the problem is. He has been tested for Juvenile Arthritis, and luckily the test results shown that all was normal, until they done an X-ray and discovered a mass on his thigh which he now needs surgery on. But he can say he is a black Belt in Tae Kwon do from the age of 11 and the best defender in the world.

His ambition in life to move to Australia or America and become the greatest game designer ever! (Not bad for 12, I think I wanted to be a ballerina).

Next there is Drama Mission:

She is a feisty 9 year old who knows what she wants but sometimes hasn’t got the confidence to pull it all off. She is very active doing everything from School football to Line dancing and she cartwheels everywhere. She can be the quietest little mouse ever, then in the next breath the drama queen comes flooding out and nobody actually believes me she is like this! They think she is a very quiet and sweet little mouse, believe me she is sometimes. She is the fussiest eater I know, she used to ask me to make her Hotdogs for tea and then only eat the batch! She has a passion for all things musical and is constantly bouncing around her bedroom to JLS, the Saturdays and a few more until her big brother starts banging on the wall for her to be quiet.

Her ambition is to be the next Hannah Montana and I believe in her every step of the way.

Phew nearly there now, next there is Princess Mission:

She is a very loving 4 year old, she says what she is thinking and if she thinks she has upset you she will be there with the hugs. She was a surprise to say the least but one of the nicest I have ever had. She will be starting full time school in September, and much to her disappointment she has been split up from her bestest friend in the whole world, but I’m sure she will get over it. She is funny and witty and says the funniest things when you least expect it. She too is a very musical little thing and when she thinks you’re not listening will make up her own little songs.

Now last but not least is the youngest of the missions

Monster Mission:

He is my beautiful 2 year old; he is full of beans and NEVER stops. He has a love of everything to do with cars, he is completely obsessed with Pepa Pig and George and knows most of the DVD’s off by heart. He is a character in he own right, and tries to sneak into Princess’s nursery class every morning and one day he will succeed. He can charm his way around you within seconds and his bestest friend is his cousin who is 2 weeks older than him.

Well that is my beautiful family, our strengths, weaknesses and our dreams. I have learnt a lot in my life already and the one thing that sticks with me the most is that perfection is in the eye of the beholder, so don’t be too hard on yourselves

Sunday, 20 June 2010


Well it’s that time of the year again, when daddy Mission gets to put his feet up and RELAX for the whole day. So today will be no different than yesterday then!

Most Dad’s tend to get away with murder , by constantly using phrases such as “I’m just having 5 minutes” (an hour later), or “I will do it in a minute” (5 hours later), but the best Daddy phrase in our house is “I’ve been at work ALL day” (ring any bells?).

But it is Fathers day and we do make exceptions for them on this one day of the year, we buy them cards, big chocolate slab (which will take them until next year to get through) and a special gift either comprising of a t shirt with a funny slogan on it, or a mug that will be put in the cupboard with last years and the years before.

So why is it so hard to buy for the big man himself? Well if you have a new age dad he isn’t that hard to buy for because nowadays you can buy them skincare ranges, aftershave and vouchers for modern shops.

But for the dad that is older than 35 well forget any of the above or you will hear those fateful words “what did you buy that for?”

So in our Mission family we not only have Daddy Mission to buy for but Granddad Mission and Great Granddad Mission three very different characters:

Daddy Mission:

He is one of the hardest to buy for out of the three other Daddy Missions in my life. He is very picky, always says “I don’t need anything” but then he would moan if we didn’t bother, but most of all he is very stubborn! So buying for him is like buying for a great aunt you only ever see at Christmas and I would go as far as saying buying for Daddy Mission is harder than child birth! So we generally have to listen out for the subtle hints he does give once every blue moon and act on them as quickly as possible.

Granddad Mission (my Daddy):

He is a little easier to buy for; he loves the whole Fathers Day kitsch you know the stuff you can only get on Father’s day! He loves the mugs, the key rings, the chocolates and the t shirts. But NEVER cross his door with anything that even remotely looks like it’s come from the beauty counter at Debenhams! Even taking him a bottle of aftershave his question would be “what do you think I am?” He just isn’t with IT! So my life is made very easy on Father’s day as the normal gift would be a t shirt containing a slogan, such as “Mr Grumpy”, “Grouchy” or even “I know I’m a dad because I’m poor”, a box of Mini chocolates and a mug.

But this year my little sister came up with a fabulous idea of but him theatre tickets! But I do have the above all wrapped up just in case the tickets go down like a lead balloon.

Great Granddad Mission (My Granddad):

Well he is the easiest man in the world to buy for, with a passion for gardening, painting and carving he is such a dream to buy for. But this Fathers day he is in Ireland and we won’t be spending it with him, but we will be seeing him sometime in the holidays so we will make sure he gets spoilt rotten then.

So I suppose the one thing I have got to look forward to in the future of Father’s Days, is the older the other two get the easier they will be to buy for!

Saturday, 15 May 2010


This day has been written in my stars for a while now; well that’s what I believe anyway. But until now I just didn’t realise how many people it takes to actually terminate one person’s contract.
There was the Vice Principal – his job was to tell me my rights and apparently he is the only person who can terminate contracts.

Then there was HR lady – her job was to give advice to the vice principal (and not very well if I may add) she spent most of her time fumbling with her paperwork.

Then there was the Line Manager – her job was to hand me the tissues as it was quite an emotional meeting.

Then last but not least there was the Head of my department – not even sure why she was there but still it made a tiny room look very full.

With my cuppa in hand I was lead into a tiny room, were I was basically told because I couldn’t return to my post, after suffering from a nightmare year my contract would now be terminated.

I felt like an apprentice being fire by Sir Alan Sugar, I almost wish I was he is so much more entertaining to watch than the fab four I had to put up with! The meeting was quick and simple; I was told that my contract was being terminated due to the fact that they could not offer me another position within the company.

There were a few tears; maybe it was sheer relief that I was finally free after 6 years. But I think they may have been tears of sadness as after 6 years I had made some amazing friends and I was going to miss them very much.

But three days on I’m now convinced that this day was written in my stars, as I want bigger and better things for my future, and do you know what it might have just happened.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010


The Mission kids are definitely testing me at the moment; I think there might be something in the air affecting all kids and not just mine. But still it seems that every time they forget something or something happens it’s simply not their fault, not in the slightest. So who is to blame for them forgetting that they had PE that day, well it seems it was ALL MY FAULT!

Take yesterday for an example, just a typical day in the Mission house then:

Teenage Mission comes home from school “Mum YOU forgot to get my cookery stuff” well if you don’t tell me I can’t get it, his reply “it was written in my homework folder” Hmmmm still can’t see why this is my fault. But I obviously missed the lesson were mums are supposed to riffle through 12 year olds school bags and look in their homework folder to see what he has got the next day.


Then Drama Mission wanted a snack before she went to Tae Kwon Do, so off she went to make some toast: “Mum YOU burnt the toast” when actually she was making the toast not me, I wasn’t even anywhere near the kitchen for a change. But of course it was my fault because I’m responsible for everything that happens in the kitchen; after all it is MY KITCHEN!



Princess Mission told me “Mum YOU forgot my library book” after me handing her book bag to her just as we left the house. It seems it was still technically my fault because she was just zipping her coat up. Even though Thursday is Library book day, but she still insists on taking it every day!



The key word in that sentence is YOU, just incase YOU missed it.

It seems that I’m now not only responsible for running the Mission house and looking after the Missions running around this house, but I’m also liable for anything they forget to do, or forget to tell me to do.

So the morale of the story is us mum’s are NEVER meant to forget ANYTHING and if we do (because let’s face it we aren’t perfect all the time) then when we arrive at school, the children will make a point of telling the teacher that MUM FORGOT!

Monday, 10 May 2010


Well today is all a bit chaotic, as Mummy Mission is sick. The normally organised and calm Mission house is in chaos and all because Mummy Mission dared to throw a sicky.

How dare I even allow a bug to get into my system and expect to be looked after by the rest of the mission household?   So I’m going to pick myself up and take some much needed pain relief to try and shake off this nasty tummy bug and almighty headache.   It’s not like I can stay in bed all day as I have little monster mission to look after.   Although he is playing nicely with his Happy Land set and watching the rather annoying Mr Tumble at the moment.

So my aim today is to not only get better, but to make up individual medicine boxes for the mission family, one for daddy mission, one for mummy mission, one for the grumpy teenager mission and one for the rest of the little missions.

MUMMY MISSION: Right my box is easy, will contain the basics as I’m never normally sick, so paracetamol, Ibuprofen, and Imodium (just incase), some of those migraine and headache patches for my head as I really don’t like taking painkillers unless I have too, some of that fancy optrex eye spray, a bottle of expensive bubble bath, a bottle of wine, a nice bar of chocolate for medicinal purposes you understand and some internet shopping.

DADDY MISSION: Right daddy’s box will have to contain the following, because any illness a man gets, is classed as deadly disease that is why they have to stay in bed for at least 3 days and use that stupid strained voice (you know the one). Any way apart from the obvious, paracetamol, Ibuprofen, lemsip’s, day & night nurse, and any other pills that they think might make them feel better. We must never forget, the vapour rub, the vapour plug in, the vitamin C pills, the large glass of pure orange juice, an extra blanket and the TV remote because they are truly never too sick to annoy you when they are channel hopping or watching some very dull programme that only men can ever find on the TV!

TEENAGE MISSION: Right he will need all of the above when ill, as he is a man in training. But also you will need to add the laptop close to the bed, his iPod touch close to hand, and not forgetting the Xbox switched on because god forbid he has to move anywhere, then there are unlimited drinks he will need, the additional box of man sized tissues because they can’t share and last but not least food and plenty of it, we can’t have them going hungry now can we.

LITTLE MISSION’S: Well their box is easy, some nice Calpol, and Ibuprofen medicine, a duvet one the sofa, with their favourite teddy bears and a nice warm cup of blackcurrant juice. Followed by an unlimited amount of either Cbebbies or Cbbc which ever little mission is sick and big cuddles off mummy mission because they always help.

So now I have decided what all the missions are going to need to get them through all the nasty bugs and diseases, I’m going to have to go shopping to make sure that every mission big or small is taken care of properly. But before I start to empty boots of its entire stock, I must tidy the house, do the washing, and the ironing that I left from yesterday because I may not have mentioned this before BUT I’M ILL. Ok now that is out of my system I’m off to boots.


Sunday, 9 May 2010


Well it’s a Sunday morning and oddly quiet at my house today. I’m sitting in the Conservatory the two youngest are up, and are normally running rings around me, mum can we have this, mum can we do that, but NOTHING! I’m off to investigate..... I see now one of the greatest inventions of the 21st century...Pepa Pig DVD, the wonders of the modern world. How nice that a small cartoon pig can keep my babies in a somewhat trance like state for a whole hour, I need more of these DVD’s.

My mum would have loved all of her five children to be quiet at the same time; I suppose you could say I’m lucky having four children, two aged 12 and 9 and two aged 4 and nearly 2. Someone once described it as having two sets of children, one set can do everything for themselves and the other set dependant on mummy and daddy for a little bit of help. But I refuse to describe my beautiful babies as a set; it makes them sound like foxes or is that badgers!

Anyway the sun is shining, daddy mission is at work Boohoo and I’m left with my little brood wondering what to do on this lovely day. Maybe a picnic...but the ground is wet; maybe a trip to the park...but the swings and slides will be wet! What to do then I came across this fabulous website called what to do with the kids, I took a peek and this is an amazing website that covers the whole country from Edinburgh to Devon and beyond, it has competition’s , vouchers off days out and so much more.

Every parent, grandparent, guardian, and carer should take a look at this fabulous website and I doubt you will ever be stuck on where to take your little ones and big ones on a day out again.

So it was, go on take a look see what you think.

Or if you fancy a day at home, then Asda have amazing offers on at the moment on their Kids “grow your own” range. They can grow anything from Sunflowers to Strawberries, and it will keep them entertained for hours standing over their plants patiently waiting for them to grow.

Then maybe once they have planted and waited, maybe they can make some delicious cakes, muffins or biscuits check out they have some great ideas, from cooking with the children, to fussy eaters, to encouraging kids to cook.

Right well that’s me done, I’m off to follow some of my own advice and get outside whilst the sun is shining, catch you all later.