Monday, 27 September 2010


Us mum’s are the only ones that know there is no such thing as a quick trip to the shops. By the time you have loaded the car with buggies and kids you could have been to the shops and back. Then there is the saga of who gets to sit in the trolley, although you know you don’t actually need enough stuff to fill the trolley, but you know you are going to get more than you bargained for anyway.
Well today was no different, only this time I only have little Monster to come shopping with me and after our last visit I wasn’t taking any chances. Strapped into his buggy where I knew he would be safe and out of his own mischievous way I set off around the shop.

All was peaceful until I heard “Mummy can you open this?” Oh lord this child is not safe even in his own pushchair. He had grabbed a packet of Cheese stings and started nibbling at the packet, it was so wet and soggy, I couldn’t put it back on the shelf. That was another thing I had to buy that wasn’t on the list.

I carried on shopping, whilst keeping a watchful eye on the little monster until all my shopping was eventually done. I struggled to the till trying to carry a very heavy basket and push a pram at the same time (now that’s what I call Multi- tasking). Once at the self serve tills I waited behind a lovely little old lady who was trying to pay for her shopping. She was 80 years old you know, (they love telling you their age) and it was the first time she had ever used the self service checkouts before. She was very sweet and kept apologising for keeping the queue waiting. I pretended I wasn’t bothered, but the waiting queue of men behind me seemed rather unhappy.

But her card kept being declined, and she couldn’t understand why. I happily waited patiently, whilst she kept trying to key in her pin number, in the end I offered to help her. I watched her as she tried again just to be sure she was doing everything right. Then when it was declined again, I suggested she took her card out to make sure her chip wasn’t damaged.

Then to my horror I discovered she had been trying to pay for her shopping with her Tesco Club card. I had to turn away and let out a little giggle, the poor lady was mortified. She went on to explain that it was the same colour as her NatWest card and she hadn’t noticed. The poor lady, every man in the queue was moaning about being held up by her. Do you know what I wasn’t, because in 50 years I know that little old lady will be me and I will take great pleasure holding up a queue of moaning men, because I can.

Thursday, 16 September 2010


Monster Mission is just old enough to use the potty, yet today he nominated himself as a Mystery Shopper in our local Asda.
Have you ever taken your little one to the shops and come back with a little more than you paid for? Well I’m sure we have all been there, done that and brought the t-shirt, unless it’s just my thrifty fingered lot.

Thinking back it was Teenage Missions favourite pastime in the Asda, in the end I had to check the tray of Drama’s buggy just incases. We inherited a few strange items, in the end I used to wish they would stock good stuff on the bottom shelves just to make it worthwhile.

So today Monster broke the Mission tradition. Instead of taking something he had forgotten to pay for he spent his time running around the store filling up unsuspecting victims baskets. His first victim a little old lady shopping for a birthday card, then bam Monster strikes and her basket is filled with birthday cards. I suppose he was only trying to help, you can never be too prepared.

His next victim was a lady, early 30’s shopping for sweets. She didn’t count on the Monster mystery shopper, because she ended up with a basket full of Haribo sweets. I couldn’t get away quick enough. Just when I thought his reign of terror was over he stuck again, only this time he had met his match.

A little girl was shopping with her daddy, Monster was in the biscuit aisle and was eyeing up the chocolate fingers. It was like a scene from a John Wayne film. He stood one end and she was the other, he walked up to the shelf and picked up a packet of chocolate fingers. He slowly walked to the basket and placed the packet in; it all seemed so easy so he did it again. He didn’t count on the fact that every time he put one pack in the little girl was taking them back out, he wasn’t too sure why they were all disappearing. He carried on until the little girl’s dad noticed that his little girl had turned in to a mystery shopper too, because it seemed she was putting them in people’s trolleys as they passed.

The pair of us could do nothing but laugh and quickly get our little shoppers out of the store as quickly as possible. So lots of people would have got to the tills and noticed a few more items than they bargained and budgeted for. So next time you are at Asda look out for your own little mystery shopper, he will be around.

Wednesday, 15 September 2010


Its true and it was revealed a few weeks back that I am actually suffering from a true and real syndrome. No it’s not that Drama Queen syndrome that some idiot said I had the other day, it real.

There are no tablets I can take and there is no cure either, and it’s ALL my fault. You see I am suffering from what is known as “Oldest Child Syndrome”. You may laugh but it’s true I saw it on Google, and if it’s on Google then it must be true.

Just ask Drama Mission when she Googled, Zac Effron as she does on a regular basis or JLS it gives her up to date information.  Even though it did say that Zac was joining the JLS group and that JLS were Destiny’s child in disguise. So the internet is fairly accurate most of the time anyway, well just sometimes then.

Anyway back to my rather alarming syndrome, I have never had a syndrome before I didn’t know what to expect. So I searched the internet for answers, what did it all mean? I phoned around some clinics in the hope to get an appointment with a psychologist; but do you know how much those people charge?

It wasn’t THAT important, so I rang my friend. She had studied Child Psychology, well they all the same aren’t they and she only cost a cup of tea and half a pack of digestives (greedy cow they were mine). So after munching on MY chocolate digestives she finally got around to telling what this O.C.S actually was.

It’s a condition that affects the oldest child of the family, the symptoms are:

Needing to look after everyone

Taking on other people’s problems and worrying about them as if they were your own

Feeling responsible for things out of your control

And worrying about everybody unnecessarily

Well that’s me in a nut shell; I asked was there anything I could do to stop these feelings, or to cure my syndrome. But she said that would cost another packet of chocolate digestives. So it really wasn’t that important I got the answer to that question, after all we are talking about CHOCOLATE DIGESTIVES here.

So I feel quite special now I know I have a syndrome, it did cost me half a pack of my favourite biscuits but now I can relate to why I’m always stressed and it has nothing to do with living in a mad house OR being married to Daddy Mission. WELL MAYBE SOME OF IT IS.


Tuesday, 14 September 2010


As Mummy Mission I felt that I had to issue a full apology to the Monster and Goblin world. It seems that in my rush to continue blogging after my confidence took a nasty knock yesterday, I missed a few of these Monsters out.

So the Apology has to go to:

The Toilet Roll Monster:

Without him us mums would have all the toilet roll we needed, we would never run out and we would NEVER find it all over the floor in the bathroom and blocking up our toilets.

The Toilet Seat Monster:

Without him we would always find the loo seat as we left it, and we would never have to shout at the boys in the house for leaving the seat up (because we know it’s the monster)

The Food Monster:

He comes around just after you have done your big shop and demolishes all of the food from the cupboards, leaving our poor children to go hungry.

The Fridge Monster:

He is closely related to the Food Monster. But he drinks all the milk, he leaves the lids off the jam and the cheese spread and leaves the door open so everything goes off.

The Kitchen Monster:

He comes late at night, normally when everyone is in bed and takes out all the cups and plates from the cupboards and leaves them all over the sides in the kitchen (this is Daddy Missions least favourite monster)

So now I have apologised I hope that the relationship between the human and monster communities can live side by side and in peace.

I hope I have made you all smile and you have taken this blog in the context it was intended for as a BIT OF FUN.

Disclaimer: No Monsters were HURT OR OFFENDED by this blog, as a human you should have the common sense to take this as a bit of fun and not an INSULT. If you wish to leave a comment I would be most grateful.

Monday, 13 September 2010


Have you ever sat and wondered what else lives in your house? I mean apart from the Hubby, the kids and the pet worm. Well I have noticed some strange goings on in the mission house for some time now, I’m not sure what but it was something. So I decided to go and investigate these strange things.

I discovered some new species and needed to warn other mums of their existence:


He comes to your house and fills up empty washing baskets. Just so we are never without washing. He lies in wait and when you go to bed he gleefully fills to his heart’s content and when he is done he moves on to his next victim.


He comes and steels a sock from every pair, so when you are rushing around the next day trying to get the kids up and dressed you really CAN’T find that other sock. He takes them back to sock land where everything is made from odd socks.


He is a nasty little thing he comes and tips all of the children’s toys and leaves them all over the floor, and then watches as the children get all of the blame. He loves it when you’re half asleep and checking on the little ones late at night, he lays blocks of Lego in the middle of the floor for you to stand on.


Now he is related to the WASHING GOBLIN, but he takes great pride in throwing clothes all over the floor. He doesn’t care if it’s the nicely ironed pile you carefully placed on the children’s beds, or underwear from the draws. Anything he can find he will scatter it all over the bedroom floor, the bathroom floor, the landing and any other room he sees fit.


He only comes out when the children return home from school. He leaves bags all over the living room floor for you to trip over and bang into. Even when you get the children to put them away they seem to creep back down the stairs and back into the living room until you fall over them again.

So now I have made you all aware of these little monsters, you can now keep an eye out for them. They will trash your home and blame it all on your children.......OR DO THEY?

Sunday, 12 September 2010


Daddy Mission is a man and this was confirmed a week ago. You see as a mummy I spend my days running around like a pure lunatic, washing, ironing, cleaning, looking after the kids, sorting the house out and working.

So in my rush to get Drama Mission to Drama class last Sunday, I forgot to wash the 3 breakfast dishes that the children had used for their rushed breakfasts that morning. I had only been out of the house for about an hour when I got a phone call. It was Daddy, my heart sank. Was everything okay at home? Had the house burnt down? Had he been in some sort of accident and needed me urgently? NO.... He was ring to tell me he had washed the dishes that I had left on the side in the kitchen.

Oh my lord, I started to laugh down the phone. He asked “why are you laughing?” My reply “My darling when you have looked after all of the children and tidied the house from top to bottom then come back to me and THEN you can have a gold star”. He wasn’t best impressed with my response; well what did he expect it was three dishes.

But after speaking to my sister, it seems that this gold star syndrome runs through MOST men. They want one every time they do something around the house. Stuff we do every day, mundane, boring jobs, do you hear us bleating for recognition. No. Because if we did we would be told that it was OUR job anyway.

There are so many examples to M.G.S.S (men’s gold star syndrome):

My brother in law for example: He was put in charge of watching his own son and took it upon himself to do his OWN ironing whilst my poor sister was suffering from morning sickness. He made her tell all their friends that he had done the ironing!

Another example: Why is it when you decided to go out, (once in every blue moon) they decided to tell their friends they can’t come out because they are babysitting. But when you are minding the children on a daily basis you are just looking after YOUR children.

Also when they make a meal (Yes, beans on toast) they want you to worship them like they are Gordon Ramsey and they have made you a master piece.

Maybe I’m being harsh, but I bet you are all nodding in agreement (yes you are) MOST men are born DRAMA QUEENS! So let’s give them the gold star they truly deserve, but let’s make sure that when they sign the gold star agreement we get something pretty for EVERY JOB we do around the house too.

Friday, 10 September 2010


The High Court in London today revealed the identity of Mummy Mission. She was named as 34 year old mother of four, Lena Doherty. The court decided to reveal the identity of the mother of four because she had forgotten what her name was.

The confused mum lost her identity from a young age when she was lovingly referred to as you, child or called by another siblings name by her own mother. Strangers would refer to her as “Kev’s Daughter, Lenny’s Granddaughter or even that the girl that works at Iceland”.

The identity crisis only worsened when she married her long – term partner and she was given a whole new identity “Wayne’s Missus”. This sorry state of a woman was then lead in to further confusion after she had her four children then becoming known as “Jack, Emily’s, Mollie’s or Fin’s mum”

After careful consideration by the courts and Social services, it was deemed that this Mother had been through enough in her short lifetime and should be told who she was. She recalled being called something that once resembled a name, but it was too long ago to remember.

Speaking outside of court today Mrs Doherty was overwhelmed to finally know what her actual name was and she was quoted as saying “This is a victory for mums all over the world who have lost their identity’s now let’s drink wine”

The government have now got involved in this high profile case and are going to review the laws about woman being referred to as just someone’s Wife, Mother and Daughter and it will open the flood gates to more women around the world demanding to know their true identities.