Thursday, 28 October 2010

Green cross cat?

Have you ever had one of those moments where something has run out in front of your car and you try your hardest to NOT hit it? Yes well we have all been there and done that and yesterday was no exception. We were in the car off to visit nanny when a cat ran out straight in front of my car, Princess and Drama screamed and I slammed on my breaks.

“Bloody cat” I love animals but I hate it when they do that, Princess made me pull over to make sure I hadn’t hit it. So I pulled over so she could inspect for herself, she checked under the car and she checked around the back of the car. The cat was gone; she started to get upset just in case he was hurt, and then from around the corner came the little black and white cat.

Princess was pleased; she insisted we put the cat in the car so we could take it to the police after all it was naughty to run across the road like that. After I explained that mummy was allergic to cats so we couldn’t take it anywhere, Princess declared “It’s ok mummy you can open the window so you can’t smell him”. If only life was that easy, then I told her if we took the cat away he would probably miss whoever was looking after him, she wasn’t impressed and she said “well they aren’t looking after him properly if he is allowed to run across main roads like that.

She had a point, but I explained cats are like that, the roam around all day and then go home for tea. After I had finally convinced her to leave the cat where it was, she got back into the car and we carried on up the road to nanny’s house.

The conversation about the cat wasn’t over; Princess had a few more ideas about what we could do to stop animals from running out in front of cars.

Princess: “We should have little crossings for them”

Mummy: “What do you mean?”

Princess: “You know where they have to press the button and then when the green cat or dog comes on, then they can cross safely”

She is full of these wonderful ideas, and then she declared that all cats and dogs should always hold their mummy’s and daddy’s hands when they cross the road because it’s a very dangerous place. Well at least I know she has been listening to me all along, when we cross the roads, but her last idea was the best of all.

Princess: “I think that all the animals that run out on to the road should be sent to a special school so they can learn their Green Cross Road!”

Well she was nearly right, and the cat well he was still dodging the traffic, I guess he wanted to use up some of his nine lives.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

What’s THAT smell!


We have all been there sitting in the doctors when the smelliest person comes and sits right next to you. Or shopping in the supermarket and you walk past someone who had just let one go and then they try to walk away from the smell.

No well you have obviously never been shopping with me then, I seem to attract these people or maybe just their bad smells. So it was no surprise when a trip to Tesco ended in the biggest smell hunt ever.

It all started whilst we were in the car, the smell was unbearable Monster got the blame big time. The smell was getting stronger and stronger, and little monster was adamant it wasn’t him. So after some investigations he was then cleared of all smelliness charges.

That left four more suspects, once home the smell seemed to be following us all the way from Tesco. I made all the kids take of their shoes to eliminate dog poo shoe, nope shoes all clear but the smell was still as strong as ever.

After checking Monster just one more time for luck, I thought maybe it was me. I had already had a shower first thing, but maybe shopping for bits in Tesco had made me break out in a cold sweat there was nothing to lose. I had a lovely hot shower and changed my clothes, but still THAT smell was unbearable.

So it wasn’t me or monster, the shoes were clear so what the hell was causing the smell? I shouted Drama and had a quick sniff, she smelt like the perfume counter at boots, and then I remembered we stopped off at boots where she insisted on emptying the entire row of testers all over herself.

Teenage Mission was next, I was dreading this one. Teenagers can smell of two things depending on when they last took a shower, it was either going to be Lynx overload or dead rat. I was lucky he had a shower that morning and it was still the Lynx overload, well he has got a girlfriend and it’s always best you smell nice.

Princess Mission was the last on my list, as I pulled her close the smell.....it was her! But I still couldn’t figure out why the smell was so strong. She was clean and tidy and she insists on using my perfume every day. But this wasn’t perfume, deodorant or overload of soap, it was a nasty sickly smell and it was coming from my beautiful 4 year old daughter.

Further investigation was required, I took off her jeans thinking she had accidently forgotten to go to the loo, nope. After further smelling I noticed the smell was definitely coming from her jeans, and then I noticed a small brownish mark by the bottom of her rolled up jeans. I rolled the leg down slowly and out popped a nasty little piece of dog poo!

Everyone cleared the living room, it was like that scene from Monsters Inc when they find a sock on the monster, and the clean team come down and de fumigates him. I was expecting little men to come running into the living room and spray Princess down. But how could Poo get into her rolled up jeans, then I remembered Princess thought she had stood in something and I rolled up her jeans because they were a little bit too long, she must have rubbed the poo off her shoe and onto her jeans, all before I rolled them up.

It all made sense but we still had the matter of this bit of poo in the living room, I was brave and I managed to pick it up with about 50 baby wipes and the jeans well they found themselves in the wash ALONE.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Mummy gets a Promotion!



Well us mum’s know only too well how hard we work, if we aren’t making sure the house work is done then there is the laundry to do, kids to look after and not before we have been to work and done an 8 hour day. Our Job description if we had one would look like a copy of war and peace. But we get on with everything and no gold stars needed.

So you can imagine my surprise when I found out that Handpicked Media wanted my blog. Yes you heard right MY BLOG. I nearly fainted with excitement, these guys only take the best and mine was one of them. The screams could probably be heard from Eastham to Lands End (well muted screams) I did have Laryngitis at the time.

The kid’s responses where the best as Teenage Mission asked the definitive question:

“Does this mean we can go Xbox game shopping now?”

Drama Mission asked:

“Does this mean we will have to move to London? I hope so have you seen how many shops they have?” She takes after her mum.

Princess asked:

“Did it hurt?”

Me:

“what do you mean sweetie?”

Princess:

“When they Handpicked you?”

After a little explanation she understood, a bit better I think. Although she still has a tendency to come over and rub my arm better.

Then Monsters reply has to be the best:

“Mummy’s Blog is going to be on the Handpicked site”

Monster:

“OK, But can I have sweets now?”

Well that was it the whole family were so please at mummy’s success. My parents and sisters called with congratulations messages and friends were texting with well done messages.

I felt like I had landed a job with Sir Alan himself, so a massive thank you goes out to the handpicked team and for making me feel like a part of this lovely family.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

MUMMY'S ADVICE FOR THE APPRENTICE!

I love watching the Apprentice, but it’s now 3 weeks in and some of them are grating against me and making me feel so cross. Take Melissa for instance she is “supposed” to be this amazing business woman who deals in the food industry. So why was it she couldn’t do the figures for a single bread roll last night and the “Amazing” Paloma, who done nothing but moan about how their team leader was performing, yet she failed to even offer her services to be a “Team Leader” in the first place. These people are supposed to be academics yet they fail to multi task every week, they most certainly don’t know what the word “TEAM WORK” means and don't get me started on common sense!

So I have decided to lend some of my mummy advice to these brains of business and a few ideas for some of the tasks we should make these amazing Apprentices do!

Task One: THE NAPPY CHANGE

You have to change a baby’s bum whilst holding a telephone conversation with either the bank manager/school head or other.

Task Two: NIGHT FEEDS

Getting the baby settled, whist warming the milk and feeding a baby whilst, trying not to wake the other children and the other half.

Task Three: SLEEP DEPRIVATION

This is a killer; this will sort the men from the boys. They need to have the worst night sleep and then still get up in the morning, get them all dressed whilst sorting breakfast and lunches. Then get them all off to school on time, then go to work.

Task Four: WEANING

This one is harder than the muffins task last night, in fact I would have gladly swopped for that task. It’s all about timing and remembering to duck at the right moments.

Task Five: KIDS TV

This task is all about trying to preserve all your working brain cells (well whatever you have left) and to try have a sneaky sleep whilst your child isn’t watching you.

Task Six: CHILDCARE

They will need to find childcare at the drop of a hat. This task will need organisational skills, help of family and lots of good friends.

Task Seven: MULTI TASKING

This task will baffle even the most educated Apprentice, you will have a to-do list with 50 tasks or more and you must complete them all before bedtime...GO!



Task Eight: HOMEWORK AT TEA TIME

This task you will be helping one or more children with different levels of homework, whilst trying to cook tea and tidy up any toys been left lying around.

Task Nine: BEDTIME

This is one the hardest task’s ever, even super nanny struggles with bedtime. So this task is to take three children to bed and make them stay there all night.

Task Ten: TERRIBLE TWO’S

Now if they passed this task I would employ them all. The must go to the supermarket and do a full weeks shop, with a tired and ratty 2 year old.



As a Mummy we have to learn to think on our feet, multi task a million jobs at a time and hit the ground running.

So next time you hear one of these Apprentices moaning about:

Team work

Not being listened to

Being spoken over

Being over ruled

Being an ACADEMIC!

Then all you mummy’s just remember we may not be the brains of business (well I’m not), we may not be the most educated (me again) but we have the hardest job in the world, but also the most rewarding too. So they can keep their posh jobs and nice suits, give me chocolate finger designer jeans and a sicky tshirt any day of the week. 

I'm a mummy and very proud of it and you should be too.

PS  They should be grateful i never sent in the TEENAGERS, that when the trouble begins.

Friday, 15 October 2010

KIDS KNOW BEST!




It’s true that children know “everything” and we as mere grown up’s who have been in this world a lot longer know nothing when it comes to life and what’s “Cool”. After all we have spent all our lives wandering around with our heads in the clouds and god knows what we did before we had these know all kids.

Take a conversation I had with monster the other day in the car, we were driving passed the local shop when he spotted the milk lorry.

Monster:” There are cows in there.”

Mummy: Where?

Monster:” In that milk lorry!”

Mummy: “No there isn’t silly there are just bottles of milk.”

Monster: “Yes but where does milk come from? COWS!!!!!”



Well that was me well and truly told off, but it doesn’t stop with monster, Princess was at it too. We were having a discussion about the stars and the planets, and Princess asked me to draw the world. So I drew the world as I knew it, stupidly I was wrong on this occasion too.

Princess: “Mummy you are rubbish at drawing” (tell me something I don’t know)

Mummy: “Why? You asked me to draw the world.”

Princess: “But mummy if the world was round then we would all fall off and get lost in space!”

So I had to the draw a “flat” world so she could add her countries to it.

Whatever you thought you knew as adults please stop because you are WRONG, as I was told by Drama. Adults know nothing and I was given a list of Adult do’s and don’ts:

You don’t know how to use Heeley’s (those shoes with the wheels on the bottom) so don’t even try!

The only boy bands worthy of being mentioned are those below the age of 30! (So no Take that, Boy zone or dare I say those dinosaurs that are Duran Duran)

We should never dance around the living room to Usher or the Saturdays because that is just WRONG!

Never talk about the toys we used to have when we were little because that was when everything was in “Black & White” and far too boring!

And most importantly we should “NEVER” talk to them when they have friends around! (That’s just UNcool and way too embarrassing).



At least I got a list from Drama, Teenage Mission well what can I say it took far too long to understand what he was going on about. I am now looking for a full time interpreter to tell me what on earth he is wittering on about.

I asked him about what he thought I should know about teenagers today and this is what I was told:

You don’t talk to “NOOBS” (know nothing kids)

You listen to “screamo” bands like Bullet for my Valentine, Paramore, 30 Seconds to mars etc

You play “COD” some war Xbox game, where you shoot “360’s” and record what you are doing and put it on “you tube” so you can get more “SUBs”!

When I was little the closest thing we got to recording stuff was the charts on a Sunday evening, with my finger poised on the pause button waiting for the end of the song. Apparently that is called downloading now!

So now I have a headache just thinking about all of that, I can’t even play Mario without getting killed by one of those flying things. I have now decided I’m not even going to try and understand my kids, they are far too clever for their years and as a 34 year old mother all I can do is put my hands up in the air and shout “I KNOW NOTHING!”

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

LIAR LIAR!!

As mums we teach our kids that it’s wrong to lie, and telling the truth is the right thing to do. But as grown up’s we lie at any opportunity, I’m not talking massive porkers just little white lies.

For instance:

Daddy Mission “Are those new boots?”

Me: “No silly I have had them for ages; they have been shoved in the back of the wardrobe”

Now that was only a little lie. Because they had been in the back of the wardrobe, but for only a few minutes whilst I was hiding the box.

We also tell them to our children:

If you don’t eat up all your vegetables then you won’t grow big and strong. Really well it never did me any harm.

If you say you don’t believe in Father Christmas then he won’t come to you.

Also if you are naughty then Santa will bring you ashes.

Now these two could save me a fortune......but again little white lies.

So you can imagine my horror when one of these little white lies comes back and bites me on the bum. You see Princess Mission is four and very impressionable she believes everything she is told.

I call her gullible Annie, after I caught daddy mission trying to convince her to support Manchester United. He was telling her they were the greatest team ever; she was starting to come around to his way of thinking until I told her “Shrek” played for them. (She hates that film). To which she replied “err no thank you daddy”.

That was my girl, she was born blue (Everton blue) and she will stay that way or so I thought. My beautiful princess is a tiny little thing and loves to play, so I couldn’t believe my ear’s when I heard her shouting a rather unsavoury word in our back garden one day.

The word was, oh god I shudder when I think about it, please don’t make me say it:

LIVERPOOL!!!

Oh lord I could have cried, I ran outside and asked her what she had just said, she repeated it again. The conversation that followed was a long one, I explained that if you say THAT word your tongue will go black and fall out and it was a really naughty word. All was forgotten and she went off outside to play, I was praying the neighbours hadn’t heard her, what would they think.

Until yesterday that was, you see Little Princess is now in full time school and loves being with all her friends and she adores her new teacher. But princess likes to be the upstanding student and loves to tell her teacher when someone is doing something wrong. So whilst playing around the sand pit a conversation started about football, you can see where I’m going with this one can’t you.

Princess and three little friends discussing their favourite teams, Princess declares I love Everton, well the girl has taste what can I say.

Her first little friends declared I love Tranmere Rovers; Princess tells her that there is no such team. You can imagine the conversation a bit like that milk ad in the 80’s where the two kids were arguing over the milk, because someone said that if they don’t drink enough milk that they would only be good enough to play for Liverpool, or something like that anyway.

The second child declares his love for Manchester United, Princess replied well I don’t like that team it’s full of ogres and talking donkeys (well she is nearly right).

Then comes the bomb shell her forth little friend declares well I love LIVERPOOL, Princess couldn’t believe her ear’s. But she had remembered what she had heard and swiftly told her little friend not to speak and to stay where he was.

She quickly ran and got the teacher telling her that her friend had said a naughty word, when the teacher asked what it was; Princess said she couldn’t say it. The teachers said oh was it a naughty word, Princess nodded and told the teacher that her mummy had said if anyone says this word then their tongue would turn black and fall out.

Apparently her little friend never spoke for the rest of the day in fear that his tongue would fall out, and Princess well she was happy knowing she had saved her little friends tongue from falling out, after all just think of the mess it would have made in the sand pit.

Monday, 4 October 2010

Mummy Missions wise words to the young.

When I was younger, my mum taught me many things about life in general. That you get washed and dressed in the morning, always eat breakfast because it’s the most important meal of the day and show some respect to your elders.

So I seem a little baffled as to why these lessons aren’t being taught to some of our young. It seems that the most important life lessons are being ignored and I now feel that it’s my duty as a mummy, to guide these little lost souls, as I now lovingly refer to them as “Generation Chav”.

I would now like to lay down some of the ground rules that I was taught as a child, they are very simple I will try not to baffle you with long words and if you don’t understand a word you can google it ( I know you will understand that word)

Lesson 1. Please don’t feel it necessary to walk around the shops with your Pyjamas on. Pyjamas are BED CLOTHES and should be worn in the privacy of your own home. Primark, Top shop, New look etc were not invented just to make the high street look pretty you know, they sell a massive range of stylish clothes at affordable prices and there is one on a high street near YOU.

Lesson 2. Personal Hygiene this is one of the most important lessons you will ever learn, a bar of soap costs 7 pence in Asda ( I googled that). I really don’t want to walk past you in the street and then smell you for the next ten minutes because you smelt so bad. A few years ago now there was a shop that opened called Pound land (the clue is in the name) everything is £1 surprisingly! They sell everything from deodorant to special crappy toys so no excuses.

Lesson 3. Now many celebrities will benefit from this life lesson. Underwear is VERY important. My Nan used to say “make sure you put clean underwear on every day, just incase you got run over”. Now if some of these youngsters got run over, well let’s just say it wouldn’t be a pretty sight with no underwear on. I don’t wish to see your bits and bobs on display as you climb out of your car and I certainly don’t think it necessary to have your other bits and bobs unsupported that is just wrong. Please see lesson one for good places to buy these garment from and PLEASE start using them you look a sight.

Lesson 4. Rollers in your hair are for the home and the hairdressers, not for walking around the shops on a Saturday morning. You may think you look fabulous but really YOU DONT.

Lesson 5. Now I’m certain that you have never heard the saying “less is more” come on ladies it’s just not nice or classy to walk around with more cheap gold draped on you than they have got in the window of the half price jewellers. Ditch the cheap gold and accessorise with style.

Lesson 6. PLEASE STOP feeling the need to paint yourself ORANGE, you look like you have been slapped by the tango man and the man from Del Monte he will say a big fat no. Girls come on self tan is fine and you can get some really classy looking self tans. But please STOP adding to it every day, you look like you haven’t washed for a few years.

Lesson 7. Now this is where I start sounding like I’m repeating myself, no not because I’m getting old but because you are making the same mistakes. Makeup is supposed to be a statement of who you are and it’s not supposed to look like you grabbed a trowel and forgot to looking in the mirror. Again ladies “LESS IS MORE”.

Lesson 8. Now mobile phones are a great invention it means that you can go anywhere and still be contacted. But please young chav when having a conversation on your mobile, don’t feel it necessary to shout the person on the other end of the phone isn’t deaf and I don’t need to know how big your latest conquest was.

Lesson 9. Manners they don’t cost you anything, just simple words PLEASE and THANK YOU. See they aren’t that hard to say. Go on practice and when I hold the door open for you or you want me to move out of your way say these little words and they will get you further than grunting at me. I don’t have a qualification in grunting, but I am learning I do have a teenager.

Lesson 10. Now for the last lesson of the day. I see some of these lovely young Chav’s have off spring of their own. Lovely little things they are, with snotty noses, little chav chains and an attitude bigger than their parents. But please big chav don’t see this as your god given right to haul abuse at these little ones. It’s not nice to stand there shouting nasty and vile words at your child and its certainly not acceptable to slap then in any way, shape or form.

So there you have it, life isn’t that hard, and if you follow my 10 lesson plan you can be CHAV free by the end of the day.



Lots of love Mummy Mission

X

Sunday, 3 October 2010

My Field of Dreams

After working crappy jobs since I was 16, I was part of a generation that was taught just to get a job, there was no time for daydreaming. I still remember that chat with the career’s advisor:

She said “What are your interests?”

Me: “well I love writing and making up stories”

She said “well enough of that day dreaming let’s get you a proper job”

I remember tripping over my tears on the way out of the office.  The early 90’s were so rubbish where I lived, no one was allowed to dream well certainly not in our house you had to get a job and keep it for as long as possible.

So at the stroke of midnight 2010, (nearly 20 years later) I made a promise to myself that this would be the year that I started to follow my dreams.  I was determined that this mummy was going to become a successful writer, Journalist and one day Columnist. I searched the internet for writing jobs, until I came across something called Field of Dreams.

At first glance I thought it was just something to do with the film Kevin Costner was in but reading into it, it had been set up by an amazing lady called Muireann C-Campbell. This amazing lady has inspired me to write down all of my dreams and ambitions and send them to her and she puts them on her Field of Dreams blog for all to see.

So I sat down with my post card and thought about what I REALLY wanted out of life, this was hard after all I come from a family who don’t dream. So breaking with tradition I stared to write:



1. I want to become a successful writer/journalist

2. I want to build a better life for my family

3. I want to be an inspiration to others

4. I want to give something back to the world (raise money for hardworking charities)

5. I want to teach my children to dream

6. To write a book



That was it my dreams list was complete, and all I had to do now was post it.   My heart was beating so fast I could hardly breathe (I know far too dramatic) but I had waited so long.

I suppose this is where it all begins.....Go on take a look and write down all your dreams and send it to the address below, what have you got to lose?

Just remember YOU HAVE ONE LIFE, LIVE IT AND NEVER BE AFRAID TO DREAM.

Field of Dreams

PO BOX 299

Leeds

W.Yorks

LS16 0EY