Friday, 11 March 2011

Bad Mummy Club - Can the next mummy please shuffle on forward?

Todays Bad Mummy joining our elite club is the lovely Emma over at @verynicethings who also has a lovely blog and an amazing website coming soon.

So lets see if this very busy mummy qualifies to join our Bad Mummy Club, bring on the Plea.

I here by announce on this blog my bid for bad mother status. It’s been a mad journey starting a business and looking after a fabulous, energetic two year old and here is my case for why I think I deserve my own quiet, wine drinking patch in BAD MUMMY CLUB.

Here is my case ;

1)      I crave quiet. Sometimes I just need 10 minutes peace. A time of stillness and nothing. Even if my daughter is quiet she is climbing on my head, pulling my hair, passing wind on my lap or (a fairly new one) giving me a wash like a cat would by licking her hands (possibly needed some might argue… then let me do it ALONE I say).

2)      I hate my cheery mummy voice – the sound of it drives me to distraction. Its not me (I’m naturally cynical, very sarcastic and not that upbeat ALL THE TIME).  Just the talking involved in getting shoes on, coat on and out the house drives me up the wall. Don’t get me wrong it would be spooky if all was quiet. But it seems that since my daughter can talk – I have developed a mother tongue I cannot stand – nothing like my normal standard which leads me neatly on to…

3)      Swearing. I have a mouth like a builder who has worked on building sites for years. Swearing is something I do (not proud of it – but it’s certainly a habit) and I confess that I try to curb it. But things just slip out. Recently after a particularly vocal getting ready for bedtime I noticed that I had not finished changing the bed. ‘SHIT, the bed!’ is now a phrase that my 2 year old takes delight in saying. Usually in quiet places.

4)      I am an amazing actress. It’s true. The uncountable amount of fake ‘phone calls’ I have made to the nursery to explain how naughty my daughter was being (much to her horror, as Miss Dawn and Miss Julie are not to be messed with ). If they were real phone calls my bill would be huge.

 “What’s that Miss Julie? You think she should eat her tea like a good girl and not chuck it on the floor? Or she won’t get to paint tomorrow? Ok I will tell her…”  I imagine you get the picture (Oscar winning potential)!

5)      I hate parent and toddler groups. I invent amazing excuses not to go or take up any invitations.  I know my daughter would probably LOVE it, but the thought of sitting in a village hall drinking crap coffee and eating a digestive whilst the kids fight over dog eared toys that really should be condemned is not my idea of a good time. I’m sure the mums are lovely (friends of mine swear they are just fantastic), but give me a free morning and I would rather go for a walk or feed the ducks … anything but that.

6)      Bribery and corruption are fast becoming features of the Blackman household. “Let me change your nappy and you can have a biscuit”, “If you eat your lunch you can watch Babe” the connections between bribe and task are irrelevant – which may lead to some interesting associations later in life…

7)      Wine #1 Sometimes I need a glass whilst she is watching In The Night Garden. Fact.

8)      Wine #2 Sometimes I let her drink water at the same time out of a plastic wine glass.

9)      Wine #3 If 1 & 2 are happening, we both clink our glasses together and say cheers.

Are we all agreed...*counts hands*  Welcome to the club your gold star is below.

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