Sunday, 3 April 2011

No Returns



Why is it only a married woman can see a wedding car and mutter "Silly Fool".

I love my husband dearly, i do honestly but sometimes he drives me to distraction.

But there are two sides to a marriage, the before and the after.  So as an experienced "Married" woman of 8 years ( i know it feels like an eternity)  im going to walk the "Unmarried" ones amongst us into the delights of Marriage.

Before

This is the nice bit, the flowers, the chocolates, the wooing and the unlimited cuddles and kisses.  Its like they lull you into a false pretence.

A bit like the child catcher scene from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...You know the one.  He lulls the children out of the basement with the promise of sweets and nice things and then BANG Freedom gone!

Well OK my hubby didn't lull me out of the house with the promise of a creme egg, but everything did change when we got married.

So lets take a look at the other side.

After

Hubby then turns in to neanderthal man, he may as well hit you over the head with a club and drag you off to the bedroom. 

When you become a "wife" you suddenly get this whole new job description, Washing, Cleaning, Wifely duties etc

A woman can clean the house from top to bottom and the hubby will still come home and say "What have you done all day?"

After speaking to a more "experienced wife" my nan, she assured me that the hubby doesn't get any better with age.

So i thought i would check the wedding contact or Marriage Certificate as its other wise known.  Checking through it carefully, there doesn't seem to be any small print.  In fact its lacking in any kind of description at all, so in the light of this i thought i would add my own.

  1.  When you first get married, the romantic bone in your hubbys body will last for another week or so before married mode kicks in.

  2. All household duties will become property of the wife, and everything will be referred to as "YOURS", Eg "Your Dishwasher", "Your Kitchen" etc and so on.

  3. Ironing and washing will become your friend at the weekend.

  4. If you sit in his favourite place on the sofa then be prepared to be moved as soon as he wants to sit down.

  5. He will think of a loving pet name for you, Mine is "Barbara" yes as in Barbara Royle from the TV programme the Royle Family.  He thinks its funny to come home and get little Monster to shout "Put the Kettle on Barbara" *its not funny*

  6. It becomes his god given right to leave dirty underwear, clothes and towels all over the house, just to give you something to do.

  7. He becomes unable to perform any task that's not classed as a "Man's Job" Eg making the bed, bringing the washing off the landing or sorting out the kids.

  8. When asking him to perfom "Manly Jobs" you must approach the subject with caution as not to scare this poor defenseless man folk.

  9. When it's his turn to cook, which is once a week and generally on a Saturday he reaches for the phone and calls for takeaway.

  10. The remote control becomes his sole property, Soaps, girlie programmes are just not allowed (unless its Glee) then he pretends he's not watching but you know he is really.


I could probably go on all night, but i won't you see as my nan always says as long as they don't treat you badly or cheat on you then sorry chick marriage is for life.

That truly applies to my marriage, as much as the lovely Daddy Mission drives me around the bend, i wouldn't have him any other way.  I wouldn't want him to do the washing or the cooking.  For one he doesn't know were the washing machine is and he would probably turn everything pink and two he cant cook (unless its out of a tin)

So Daddy Mission is for keeps, and i now have the right to roll my eye's at every potential bride, and remember my  most beautiful day in the world, before i come crashing back down to reality and carry on performing my wifely duties.

Right Dishes to wash and kids to sort.

 

Love

Mummy

6 comments:

  1. Ouch! It is not always like that!

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  2. Really? hahaha not always but most of the time ;0)

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  3. all so true.

    except i would chsnge mine so he was a tad more helpful rpund the house and did more 'manly jobs'

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  4. Hahaha i think even if we did change them they would still revert back to their "Normal" selves ;0) xx

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